Treatment Truths: Week 5

September 26, 2016

A resident asked what "eternal life" meant this morning.  So thankful the Lord keeps opening doors for conversations. My heart hurts this morning, and I'm so frustrated with myself.As predicted, they recommended two more weeks in residential.  I think I was mentally prepared for that.  It was the reasons I wasn't expecting.I think I would have been OK if the reasoning had been something that would not have been 100% in my control.  I've eaten everything they've given me.  I've worked hard to process as much as I could with therapists and have asked for worksheets and extra articles so I can work on issues with which I'm struggling.  I use down time for work time.So if the reason would have been something like "You still have some things we've not processed."  Or "There are more challenges we've not covered."  Or "You're still not in a healthy place physically."  I think I could have handled that. I could have honestly looked at those areas and know I worked as hard as I could.  There was nothing more I could have done.But those weren't the reasons.  The decision was made based on things I said.  "I'm struggling with calorie counting."  "I'm struggling with body image." "I'm struggling to identify eating disorder thoughts."I said all of these things in homework and meal processing and sessions.  I hate that I was honest.Gosh.  I can't believe I wrote that.  I hate that I was honest??  Surely that's an eating disorder thought.BUT...I tried to say the right things.  And I also tried to be honest.  Maybe I should have just kept quiet.  Being honest got me two more weeks away from my family.So now I've punished my family even more by talking about my feelings and being open and saying what I was thinking.  I get to miss my son's birthday.  Great job, Amie.  You've failed treatment and you've failed your family.Time for lunch.  Cheeseburgers.  But I will process after lunch with no problems or challenges, you can bet.And now I feel guilty for my bad attitude. I am so sick of crying.  I would be fine if I never cried again.  Every time I get it dried up, I start crying again.  I hate it. In some ways, this day has been similar to the hopeless emotional first day I felt 4 weeks ago today.  Not nearly as severe - I hope I NEVER feel that way again.  But I've cried pretty much all day.I had another hour of steady crying just before my shower.Ms. Freeman asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I said I didn't know if I should.  Will my words condemn me further?I've claimed no issues in any meal/snack processing.  Even in Ms. Merritt's individual session, I told her meals, weight, and body image are much better.But I also feel extremely guilty, because that's not true.  But being honest hasn't worked.{deep sigh} I do know deep in my heart that it's never OK to lie.  So it has to be the eating disorder convincing me that it's OK so I can get back to my family.  Oh God, please help me. Therapy - my 9:00 with Mrs. Gamin was a conference call with my husband.  She shared the recommendation from the team.  We talked with him the whole session.Then I had equine and art.In the afternoon, I had an individual with Ms. Merritt.  I just nodded and said yes ma'am.Then I had a session with Ms. Connors.  We journaled about happiness. Ms. Musgrove had us make coping skill cards. It probably hasn't helped anything today that I began the morning (after breakfast) doing CBT reprocessing for three incidents that occurred in my late teen years.  So I started the day feeling extremely emotional and lots of other feelings. What is wrong with me?  This day is so not what I expected.  Yes, I expected the recommendation to be additional time after what Mrs. Daugette said, but I didn't think I'd react this way.  I think it all goes back to their reasons.I just don't think I've ever been so angry with myself.  And I feel like that anger is spilling over into everything else.  This is just not like me.Lord, I don't even know how to pray tonight.  Holy Spirit, please intercede for me.  I am hurting, I am confused, I am angry with myself, and I am so anxious about the continued weight gain.  Please help me.

September 27, 2016

I'm not nearly as emotional today.  Thank you, Lord! Ms. Freeman opened this morning.  Love her.I had art and yoga this morning, too.  Ms. Grove had us write to someone back at home to encourage them.  I wrote to a friend at home who is also struggling with an eating disorder.Mrs. Daugette's individual session was the best part of the day.  We talked more about control.  She said the theme of the feelings I describe when feeling out of control are centered around power and vulnerability.She asked me to look back over my life and think about the times when I felt powerless, out of control, and vulnerable.  There were a lot of times to list.She said that your mind recalls those things and attaches them to any out of control situation.  The mind can do this all of the time, but not everyone struggles with it.I asked why everyone would not do that since we all have those experiences.  She answered that not everyone processes it the same way.  I have a history of "proven successes" (although only short term) that reinforce the behavior. I'm kind of down because of all the experiential therapy this week.  Especially when Ms. Freeman talks about all the good groups she wants to do but says there's no room on the schedule.  The office personnel plan the schedule, but they aren't up here to see what's happening.So we spend all morning cutting out things in the art room and laying on the floor listening to a gong being rung over our heads in yoga.  It makes me want to scream.  For real.But in reality, not every day is like that.  I need to let go of control. Ms. Freeman sat down and talked with me tonight.  She was worried about me and could see in my eyes that something wasn't OK.I hesitated, but she said I wasn't doing myself any favors to hold it inside.  So I told her.  She listened and in the end said that she agreed that I couldn't have worked any harder.  In her 3 years of being here, she'd never seen anyone try or work harder and squeeze every last drop out of the therapy.She continued with maybe I could have said something different, but in the end, would that have helped me?  And that would be lying.  She said she knew me better than to know I'd be at peace with that.  She knew where I stood with the Lord.Then she called me out on my responses in the last 24 hours.  She said, "You had cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning, and you said you had no challenges and no thoughts??"  She just sat there with her eyebrows raised, staring at me, awaiting an answer.I squirmed uncomfortably and couldn't look at her."That's what I thought.  You're not helping anything or anyone when you're not truthful."She continued by saying that I was here for two more weeks.  It was up to me what I wanted to do with that time.But she wanted to encourage me not to give up and to keep fighting.I'm so glad she reached out and helped me talk about it.  I needed to hear all of that. Mrs. Connors' group tonight was a guided reading on body relaxation.For the love....Please, Lord, let tomorrow's therapy be wonderful.  I feel like I need a shot in the arm.  And please help me to know what I need to talk about in my sessions over the next couple of weeks. My body - ahhhh!  I have to be pretty much weight restored.  But the extra servings and supplements keep coming.Please, Lord, help it to be happening more slowly than what I'm seeing.  People won't recognize me when I get home.  I feel so out of control.  Please help. September 28, 2016I just had an individual with Ms. Freeman.  We started out talking about mindfulness but moved to other topics I wanted to cover before I leave.She asked about pieces from the past that didn't make sense to me.  She questioned the responsibility I felt in some of those pieces.  She encouraged me to let go of responsibility.She just has a special way about her.  She told me I was going to get through this.  I am strong.  I'm a fighter.  I don't give up.  She said she was so glad she's had to opportunity to get to know me and hugged me.I just really like her.  And I'm thankful she takes time to talk to me.As I was leaving, she told me again I was going to get through this and to keep fighting.I asked if she could please find a way for us to do that without gaining weight.  She smiled and said that we were going to talk about that, too.I left feeling so much better, not really with my body and weight, but just overall.  She's so encouraging. Ms. Grove's afternoon group was about peeling the layers back on anger to get to the root of the issue.  It was really good.  Anger is just the cover emotion.  Underneath it are a lot of other feelings.  You have to figure out what feelings are under the anger, or what feelings the anger is covering.I don't usually feel anger, but I've felt it a lot with myself these last couple of days. We had Ms. Grove again tonight for group.  She asked us to make a list of things we refused to be defined by and a list of things we want to be known for.  Example:  I refuse to be defined by my size/weight.  I want to be defined by my relationship with Christ.  We hung them on our mirrors in our bathrooms. When I processed dinner with Ms. Grove before group, she was a little short.  She basically said that I could go on fighting this, refusing to accept changes to my body and refusing to be thankful and appreciative of my body.  And that would land me right back here one day.I asked how I was supposed to do that when I hated what I felt and saw.She said I didn't have to like it.  That even she didn't like what she felt and saw sometimes when she looked at herself.  That's normal.  But we can still accept it.I'm not sure what to do with the feelings of anger, panic, disgust, anxiety, out of control....Oh God help me.  Please. My husband doesn't want me to rent a car and drive home for my son's birthday.  He doesn't think it's necessary since we can celebrate a week later, and he doesn't want me to miss therapy.  I will trust him.

September 29, 2016

This morning while I was getting ready, Natalie Grant's Clean was on my heart, so I sang it.  My heart definitely needed the encouragement of those words.In opening this morning, a patient shared that her color for the day is gold.  Gold will represent the feeling she wants for the day - worthy.  She said it was inspired by what she heard me singing in the bathroom this morning.  She wanted to feel worthy.I'm humbled and astounded that God, in His sovereignty, can take a song that's so precious to me right now, lay it on my heart because of the truths in it of which I needed to be reminded, and also use it to speak to another patient.  I didn't even know she was in hearing range.She struggles so much with loving the person God created her to be and feeling worthy of anything.  I am praying for an opportunity today to talk to her about God's unconditional love for her and how she is worthy in His sight because of what Jesus did for us on the cross.She talks about her church often, so I'm looking forward to this window of opportunity to dig deeper.  And I'm praying God will give me just the words to say to help her understand.I pray that one day, soon, I'll be able to sing this song at my church and proclaim its truths because of the work God is doing in me.I love the lyrics so much.  You can listen to it here.I see shattered You see whole I see broken You see beautiful And you're helping me To believe You're restoring me Piece by piece There's nothing too dirty That You can't make worthy You wash me in mercy I am clean There's nothing too dirty That you can't make worthy You wash me in mercy I am clean I was admittedly a little disappointed hearing the schedule this morning.  But since I prayed last night that God would allow them to plan my schedule according to exactly what I need, I'm going to trust that every piece of my day is exactly what He wants me to have.I'm probably being a control freak about the schedule anyway. Mrs. Daugette did equine again!  She's so good in everything she does.We continued with what we did last week in working on identity.  Only this time, we had to stand by the horse, one by one, and say what others had said about us.  Mrs. Daugette made lists last week to record what everyone said about each person, and she gave them to us to read aloud.So we had to begin with "I am" and say the different things the ladies had said about us.  It was really emotional for a lot of people.  Mrs. Daugette's eyes were teary along with ours.I was emotional through all of my "I am" sentences.  But when I got to, "I am a good mother," I really cried.Mrs. Daugette wanted to know why that particular statement had such an effect on me.  It's because that's what I want so badly to be, but struggle with believing it.She challenged me by saying that being a good mom doesn't mean I'm super mom and perfect.  But I love my children well, and I AM a good mother.It's just hard for me to accept that when - point in case - I'm here at residential treatment. It was another uncomfortable but very meaningful session.We learned about cognitive dissonance.  This activity is an example of that.  We say these things about ourselves, and it feels dissonant. The first time we hear a dissonant chord, it's uncomfortable and just sounds off.  But the more we hear them, the more normal they sound.  Eventually they sound so "right" to us that leaving the dissonant chord out just doesn't sound as good.  The more we say and believe these things about us, the more normal they will become. I had Mrs. Gamin next.  She started out by asking if we were OK after Monday's session.Ms. Freeman had told her she made me uncomfortable and said some things that bothered me on Monday in our family session.I apologized and told her she had misunderstood.  I was angry with myself - not her.  I was angry because of the reasons they wanted me to stay, but the anger was not with her or the treatment team.She said I really should be angry with the eating disorder, not myself.  It just continues to traumatize me and beat me up.It's just hard to separate, as I am the one with the eating disorder.She likened it to a woman who grew up in the Middle East and learned through everything - through her culture, experiences, words she heard - that she is less valuable than her husband, must remain covered up, etc.If she left her husband and moved in with a traditional, American family, she wouldn't automatically think differently.  It would take time for her to hear and believe what others tell her.  And then it would take even more time for her to say them and believe them.It's the same way with the eating disorder.  I'm stepping out of a culture.  The eating disorder served a purpose for a while.  It was a means of coping and survival.  But I don't need it anymore.I've spent a lot of years believing these things it tells me and living life according to its rules within it's culture.  I needed to do those things during that time.But I don't need the eating disorder anymore.  I'm working through challenges and learning to manage my feelings and relinquish control.I really liked that analogy.Then we talked through the CBT reprocessing I had done for an incident that happened in my late teen years.  That was difficult.  Very difficult.She asked me a couple of times if I was still with her.  I kept saying yes, but I was not.  I'm not really sure where I was.  It was an almost out-of-body experience.The third time she asked, I said yes.  But she said we were going to do a grounding exercise anyway to help settle the anxiety.  She asked me to describe two things I saw, heard, and felt.It was the first time I had implemented sensory grounding in a situation like that.  We've done groups on breathing and meditation for grounding, but we just rehearsed it in a regular setting.It was crazy how well it worked.  I felt connected and present in the room again rather than that out-of-body, unconnected, not knowing what I was feeling state.  I will definitely use that again.Mrs. Gamin said this was another incident when I did the best I could in the situation.  It's OK to have regrets, but I was in a situation that was out of my control.  I responded in a normal way.  I need to let go of responsibility.She gave this incident a name, and it was hard to hear.  Maybe this is one of these situations that I fault myself in order to make it within my control, because being out of control is so much more frightening. I got a long letter from my sister-in-law today and a bracelet.  She said she's wearing one just like it.  When she sees it, it will remind her to pray for me,  When I see it on my wrist, I can be reminded that she's praying for me.That was so sweet of her to take the time to plan and send that to me! My family is coming tomorrow!!!  I can hardly wait!We're going out to eat to "pre"-celebrate my son's birthday.  It's also my challenge meal.  He chose to go to Outback.  I'm a little nervous about that but super excited to see them.  I will not let the eating disorder steal this joy of being with my family. I wore my long black dress today in attempt to not feel clothes tight on me. I thought it might help the feelings today.  Maybe it helped a little?? But it was Joy Food day, and I had birthday cake ice cream again.  But I also had my Clifbar, 3 prunes, and 1/2c yogurt.  The anxiety was building.Mrs. Daugette processed snack with us, and I just let it all out.  I said I was just over the supplements.  I feel weight restored, and I'm done.  I had a huge amount of ice-cream in my bowl.  The other food just exacerbated the way I feel.Mrs. Daugette listened and then countered with the meal plan being exactly what I need, visual distortion, and even said maybe we should revisit the body tracing.I told her it wasn't applicable anymore since that was over 3 weeks ago, and it had changed so much. She said we would just do it again.  Oh dear.

September 30, 2016

I just said goodbye to my family from treatment for the last time.We went to Outback for an early celebration of my son's birthday.  It was also my restaurant challenge.  I think I did pretty well.  It somehow didn't feel as safe eating outside of the treatment centers walls.  My son loved it, and that was most important.  The company was perfect. Then we just walked around together in Books-A- Million, Home Goods, a little boutique, and SteinMart.  I hate that there wasn't more to do for the kids, but they were super.  It felt so good just to be WITH them.  It wouldn't have mattered what we did.I am so out of habit of helping with the kids and feel like I'm just in the way.  I hope I adjust quickly when I get home. I had to eat snack on the way back.  The tears rolled.  It was a combination of going back, saying goodbye, and having to eat.  There was a little bit of fear in wondering how on earth I'll eat what I'm supposed to when I get home. Saying goodbye was as difficult as always, but it was the last time.  The very last time. I had a session with Mrs. Daugette at 11:00, just before I left for my family outing.  It was one of the best I've ever had here. We talked about how sometimes, acceptance and approval seem connected, but they really are completely different. I don't approve of some of my kids' choices, but I still accept them. Eating disorders are about feelings and are usually centered around approval, acceptance, and control. The eating disorder wraps them together so tightly that they are one in the same.  I'm not accepted because what I do (my mistakes and failures) are not approved.  I fear disappointing people, making mistakes, hurting people, not doing something I should have done resulting in something negative happening to someone, and on and on.I walk around feeling completely vulnerable.  It feels central to me as a person.  And I hate the feeling.I engage in behaviors that minimize the risk (like planning ahead, not delegating, overdoing, avoiding, etc.)  This is part of the control in an effort to lessen the vulnerability and allow me to be approved of and accepted. I need to separate who I am from what I do.  What I do does not define who I am.So the control piece comes into play with me avoiding a sense of powerlessness because of fear.  That stems from my past.I also use control to try to manage feelings of acceptance and approval, because the way I feel about myself is dependent on what others think of me.It just occurred to me that this is why I cannot rest when someone is upset with me until I've fixed it.  I can't live with myself for what I've done to make them upset with me.  Because that means I am not approved of or accepted which means I am not a good person because of the way I've made them feel.I still blame myself once the situation is fixed and all is well again. I'm still angry with myself and disappointed that I would do something to get us to that point.  The way I feel about myself is dependent on the way others feel about me. I've created all these "rules" and "assumptions" about myself as a means of managing others' acceptance and approval of me (CONTROL), and I base who I am as a person on how well I successfully follow my own rules.I'm OK as long as I'm complying with my rules I've set for myself.  But when one of those is broken or an expectation I've set for myself is unmet, it all falls apart.She gave me a couple of packets for homework, and I'm looking forward to working through those.It really was such a good session. I'm so thankful for the therapists here.  I'm praying for the transition home to another amazing team.Body image and feelings tonight are so strong.  I'm swollen from the salt in the food from Outback and have had so much to eat today.Praying for a good day tomorrow and a really good afternoon group.

October 1, 2016

I got chilly last night, and it was gorgeous outside all day!  Happy fall!!Our field trip was to Books-A-Million.  I probably would have been fine with it if I wouldn't have spent 1.5 hours there yesterday.  But I smiled and went with it.Yesterday, I kept going back and forth on a book Ms. Gamin recommended, The Courage to Heal.  I decided not to get it.Today, I kept going back and forth with it again.  Should I get it?I just struggle with the word "abuse."  I'm just not sure the things I experienced fall in that category, given the parts I played in each incident.I put it back, then picked it up again, twice.I finally decided it would have to be helpful in some way.It was announced that our time was up, so I began walking to the register.  With every step I felt more and more emotional and guilty.  I'm not exactly sure why.I think I felt ashamed for buying the book, not because of embarrassment, but almost a "how could you" feeling.  Like my experiences don't qualify me to fit under this category.  So how dare I magnify it and even consider such a thing.I bought it anyway.  But it's still in the bag.  I keep reminding myself that if Mrs. Gamin recommended the book, she must have thought it would benefit me.____________________I hate to write about bad body image everyday, but it's just where I am.  I'm feeling heavier today than I've felt in a while.  When I look in the mirror, I just see big.I saw the pictures we took this weekend, and I look fully weight restored and then some.  And I don't like it.____________________It's movie night again tonight.  Maybe in place of the movie tonight, I'll lead a group for anyone who wants to participate.I pray we have Ms. Grove tomorrow night.Please, Lord, set the schedule for next week according to what's best for me.  And please help me to trust.____________________

October 2, 2016

Oh mercy.  Another difficult day with body image.  Please Lord, make it stop!  I don't want to feel this way.  I'm ashamed that I feel this way. But I don't know how to change it, because I don't understand why I feel it.  I don't really think I care what I look like.  It's just the feeling.  I like being small.  It feels safe, and that is comfortable.I've been working on my homework from Mrs. Daugette on the model for low self-esteem (although I hate that word).  I'm really beginning to see how the negative experiences lead to negative core beliefs which lead to unhelpful rules and assumptions leading to unhelpful behaviors.But none of that has anything to do with my body!!! Please, God, help me sort this out.  If there's any other way, please let the weight gain stop or remove these feelings.Maybe the bad body image is part of the control piece.  I don't like what I'm feeling.  I don't want to feel, so I try to control my weight. Today, the psychiatrist said she wants me to ask my treatment team if they feel like my medication dosage is high enough.  She's also going to ask them to redo my body tracing since I said I miss being thin in processing last week.I'm afraid to see the change.  Or maybe there won't be much of one....which would demonstrate how the tracing is somehow not a true reflection.Is that reality or an eating disorder thought??Lord, help me.  Please go before me in these last days at residential treatment and establish my schedule according to my exact needs.