Treatment Truths: Week 4
September 19, 2016
I'm so thankful the weekend is over and we're going to have a full day today!! I just had a session with Dr. Brogdon. She said that she's going to try to implement an individual plan for me over weekends to make them a little easier. That should be helpful.When I told her I only had one weekend remaining, she wanted to talk about that a little bit more. She wants me to consider staying a little longer so that I have a little more time with them before jumping into the rigorous routine at home.I told her I would pray about it but that I really felt like I needed to go home to my family.I asked her about any possibility of doing IOP with them on Fridays. I could see my home therapist on Mondays and then be there all day on Fridays. She said that certainly could be considered.I think that may work really well, especially because they are in-network, and it would really help us financially. Plus, the Team knows me and is so wise. The continuum of care could be really beneficial.Praying for the Lord to work out exactly what I need and make it clear to all of us. It was a good morning. Ms. Freeman opened with us - she's always wonderful - and I had art right after Dr. Brogdon. I'm definitely feeling and seeing additional weight gain today, but I'm trying so hard to put it out of my mind.I feel like I have to be getting close to full weight restoration. My leggings fit snuggly. My arms look pretty normal, as does my face.I so wish this part could stop. Oh, how awful and scary this feels! Group Session: Relapse Stories - Journal activity
In the winter of 2015/16, I began feeling heavy again. I didn't like the way my body looked in pictures, and I didn't like my clothes fitting snuggly.This was also the time one of my children began to struggle, and we began seeing a counselor at our church.Through those struggles, my marriage suffered, and I began individual counseling. During these sessions, my therapist asked me things no one had ever asked me before, and I knew I needed to answer honestly. For the first time in my life, I began talking about some really difficult incidents that happened during my childhood and teen years. In April of 2016, I specifically remember riding to North Carolina to a conference for work. The people I was traveling with were taking turns talking about where they were born, where they grew up, etc. Everyone shared, and then they all turned their attention to me and said it was my turn. I did my best to be vague and just talk about places I'd lived, but they keep asking questions? Was my father in the military? What took us all the way to Washington State if not?I felt like I needed to answer, even though it was feeling uncomfortable. I shared about the abduction and moves early on and the years following. (For more about this story, click here.) I've shared this story many times as part of my testimony. This time, it just didn't feel right. I felt disconnected. I was embarrassed. I was confused. I laid down and pretended to be asleep. But inside, the churning worsened. My heart hurt. I just couldn't seem to put all the pieces together anymore, and it scared me. At dinner that night, I felt really heavy. I ordered off the light options menu. Everyone got dessert. I didn't want to stand out, so I had dessert, too.When I got back to the hotel room, for the first time in about 20 years, I engaged in an eating disorder behavior. That was the most random thing to me. It left me really confused. But I did feel better.That was the beginning of the end, I believe. When my husband found out I was struggling, I stopped. But extreme restriction took over immediately. I was not "allowed" to eat more than 300 calories per day. I didn't deserve it.The pounds dropped off pretty quickly. By August, I was no longer safe to continue on my own and was admitted for treatment. My session with Mrs. Daugette was pretty good today. We talked a lot about being assertive, and how I'm typically not assertive unless it involves another's wellbeing.She pointed out that underneath a non-assertive (passive) woman, there are roots of low self-esteem, depression, feelings of unworthiness, and struggles with identity. Ummmm.... I guess I can relate. Yikes! We talked about the list I made regarding competency. She feels my definition is too broad and includes a lot of things that have nothing to do with competency.She also said that when I have a higher expectation for myself than others, it can be a form of pride. Because I'm essentially saying I'm better than them and should expect more from myself.I challenged that, because it's not the way I feel at all. I likened it to the same way I feel about asking others to help or delegating. I don't want to put anyone out or impose, I would rather just do it myself.It feels the same with others and competency.She challenged that, too and said I wasn't giving others a chance to be assertive themselves if they didn't want to help. I'm assuming they cannot manage their own emotions. Our evening group was on social anxiety and different social settings in which we feel vulnerable.It's always amazing to hear the commonalities amongst the residents.Then we had to share an embarrassing moment when we were in a public setting. I couldn't figure out what I would be comfortable sharing.I finally decided on the time I threw up on the bus when the bus driver shamed me and the entire bus laughed at me, covered in vomit.The goal of this activity was to hear rational responses from other ladies rather than focusing on the negative ones we hear in our minds.
September 20, 2016
It was a really good therapy day. I prayed last night and this morning that I would have individual sessions planned over experiential therapies. And God did just that! My session with Mrs. Gamin was good. We talked about how keeping my weight low feels safe and challenged those feelings with truth.We also did the CBT reprocessing activity for another incident that happened in Middle School. It was extremely helpful. I had some good groups on comparing, contributing factors to the eating disorder (I had all seven listed), and trigger identification. Guess what!! I had an individual with Ms. Merritt. She gave me my meal plan and showed me how to plan meals when I leave. It's getting close! So it was a productive day! The meals, though...not so much. Heavy lunch and dinner with tons of starches, dripping oils, and soggy butters. AND it was Joy Food day, so I had birthday cake ice cream. Then Snack II was 2 sugar cookies on top of my yogurt, 3 prunes, and a Clifbar!! So yeah - feeling pretty disgusting and anxious and yucky. Last night, Ms. Grove processed the body tracing with me a bit more. Of course it's been a week, so I'm sure it's changed some.She pretty much said what Mrs. Daugette said. That there's no way it could be off. I was there and felt the pencil. It's part of the disorder. That blue line is me, and it is exactly what the girls see when they see me.Ms. Grove is a straight shooter and is kind. She doesn't sugar coat or exaggerate. I trust what she tells me about everything. I feel like this should be no different. But it feels so wrong.I want so badly to trust them. Ugh. I got the results back from my DEXO Scan tonight. All were in the range of osteopenia with exception of one which was osteoporosis.I'm not sure how to process that right now. I am leaning towards "not a huge deal" but wonder if that is the eating disorder minimizing.
September 21, 2016
I had such a good session with Mrs. Daugette today. So. Good. I wish I could have recorded it.It started out super emotional, because I had just met with Mrs. Benson. She recommended PHP and said the team agrees I've worked very hard. But they're concerned that I need to step down slowly. I told her I just feel like I need to go home to my family. She said they understood, and there would be no hard feelings. They just had some concerns and felt like they needed to voice them.I'm not sure why I was so emotional. I think it started at breakfast and was a continuation of the way I was feeling last night. And then not hearing what I wanted to hear.And I feel like my husband wants me to stay. I get that he is concerned. And I'm admittedly really nervous and afraid, too. I want to make the right decision.So we started our session talking about why I was so emotional.Then we talked about "safe" and what that means. When she heard me say one of the meanings was being able to take a deep breath, she said that sometimes that's a way of expressing a burden being lifted. Often it's connected to feelings.In this session, I made a connection about the time in the van going to North Carolina when we were all talking about growing up. We realized it was the first time I'd talked about it since processing relationships with my home therapist, dealing with depression, marital struggles, moving, etc. Maybe that was the beginning of trying harder not to feel.From there, we talked about my guilt and regret for telling "the men" where to find my brother during the second abduction. (For more about this story, click here.)Mrs. Daugette pointed out, as my home therapist and Mrs. Gamin had, that I was just a little girl. And she felt like I was extremely intuitive to do as much as I had done at 6.5 years of age. I trusted my authority (the teacher) in that it was OK for me to go with these strange men.She said I have to forgive myself for what I didn't know until I learned it.She pulled out an article for me to read about a teacher in a psychology class with a glass of water. She held it up, half full, and asked the class how much they thought it felt like it weighed.The class thought she was doing the glass half empty analogy but went with it. They began guessing ounces as they passed the glass around the room.The teacher said it wasn't possible to guess the exact weight of which it felt, because it was dependent upon how long it had been held.She went on to explain that if you just pick up the glass, it's not heavy at all and feels representative of its actual weight. But if she held it for an hour, her arm would be tired and it would feel a lot heavier. If she held it in that same position for 2 hours, her arm would be aching and cramping, and the glass of water would feel very, very heavy.Mrs. Daugette's parallel was that the longer we hold onto or carry something, the more heavy it becomes.She went on to share that if she were to go for a walk with friends, she could easily carry her purse and computer bag with her with no trouble. But along the way, if her friends begin loading their purses and bags onto her, it could get quite difficult. At some point it may be impossible to even carry on.The lesson - sometimes I have to let things go for the simple fact that they're too heavy to carry.We circled back to feelings as related to the eating disorder. It seems I use the eating disorder as a way to cope with feelings. That lasts temporarily, and then the feelings worsen. That drives me deeper into the eating disorder.In the middle of all of that, the eating disorder is also slapping the other cheek and making me feel worse (ex: "You should be ashamed of yourself for engaging in behaviors at home and putting your daughter at risk," when it was the eating disorder compelling me to engage in the first place).One of my takeaways from this session was that perhaps I look for ways to find fault in myself in situations that may have been out of my control. I do this in an effort to try to be in control of the situation, because being out of control is so scary to me.Great session.________________________The Lord answered my prayer and scheduled individuals and labs over experiential therapies. I want to cram in as much as I can in these next few days before I go.I'm also praying it doesn't take me years to fully recover. I'm all of a sudden so anxious to get home and jump right in!
September 22, 2016
So I was bummed this morning when I heard that I had Equine with no individual session. Then I went out for Equine, and MRS. DAUGETTE was leading!Her topic was the eating disorder and identity. Her point was that the internal identity of the eating disorder is and always has been false. Our current identities are so tied up with the eating disorder. She wanted us to see ourselves through hearing what others see today.We stood next to the horse, Penson, for grounding. We each took a turn standing by him while the rest of us shared what we saw in that person.I went last and couldn't believe what I was hearing from these girls who had only known me a few weeks. When they started talking about what a good mom I was and how brave it was for me to come and how much my kids will benefit from this, I started crying.I didn't know what they would say, but I wasn't expecting it to be related to being a mom. I guess it was so emotional because I have such guilt over that for being here. But they went on and on about that and several other things.At the end, Mrs. Daugette said she wanted to add something. With teary eyes, she adamantly said that if these ladies see all of these wonderful qualities in me and all feel that way about me being brave and an amazing mom for being here, my kids see that times 100. And then I really cried.It made the group even more meaningful to me because Mrs. Daugette spoke into it. She'd been quiet the whole time but took time to make that point for me.On the way back, Mrs. Daugette walked alongside me. I was STILL crying. She said in a jovial tone with a big grin, "So, Mrs. Amie, how was 'experiential therapy' for you today?" I laughed through my tears and said it was really, really good. Sniff-sniff. Mrs. Daugette said she may or may not have planned that activity just for me. I love her.I even claimed equine as my joy for the day!!_________________________Ms. Merritt pulled me aside this afternoon to tell me that my weight hasn't changed in the last 4 days. My meal plan had to increase again.What?!?! Really?!?! I've struggled so much this week with my body changing and clothes fitting differently. Maybe my mind really is messed up if I haven't gained anything but still see and feel it. I told Ms. Merritt that was a really scary feeling. I was ready to just settle in and trust. That was so eye-opening to me.I no sooner got to my chair when I realized that maybe all the effects I was feeling and seeing were because of the weight I'd already gained. It felt so awful because it was happening too quickly. And now she is doing this increase so that the rapid rate would pick back up. Maybe my body slowed down to normal because the rate they want it to change is too fast???And then I wondered if that was a rational thought. It felt like it. Or was the eating disorder fighting back. I'm remembering now that she said what they're doing is not just the treatment facilities way, but it is also recommended by the leading medical and psychological organizations.So tonight, I don't know what to think. But I really want to trust. I talked to my husband tonight about going home on Tuesday. He said that decision wasn't made and he didn't want to make the decision until after our session with Mrs. Gamin tomorrow. Please, Lord, give us wisdom. My heart so wants to go home. But I also want to do the right thing, even if I don't get my wish. Please help me to let go and trust.
September 23, 2016
Mrs. Daugette opened with us today. As we processed feelings and eating disorder thoughts, she said that my thoughts after meeting with Ms. Merritt yesterday were definitely from the eating disorder. They were completely irrational with no supporting evidence. The group agreed.I want so badly to trust and believe.In the family session with Mrs. Gamin, my husband shared his concerns about me coming home. He said he wanted me to do what the team recommended. Mrs. Gamin said she would take it before the team on Monday morning and let us know their recommendation.I was able to tell my husband a couple of things I needed from him when I did go home. I need positive meals, continued encouragement, for him to wait to question after I've eaten if necessary, and to be kind, loving, and calm. Then we had a group with Ms. Kuegler followed by a group with Ms. Freeman and lunch.Ms. Freeman's groups are always great. This one was on body checking. I'd never even heard that term until I came here, but I do it all the time! It can also become an OCD behavior. I can see where that is true for me at times. A N D - my sweet friend came to see me this afternoon!!! It was SO GOOD to see her! Oh I love her so.We walked around in Hobby Lobby and then sat in Firehouse while she ate a sub and I ate my snack. We just sat and talked. It was so wonderful and good for my soul. I told her some of the things I've learned at treatment, and she updated me on office shenanigans :) She challenged me not to parent by guilt when I get home. That will be the natural tendency.I hadn't even thought of that, and I'm so glad she thought to share it. She asked again about the body tracing and asked if I was any closer to accepting it. She encouraged me to just let go and trust. We talked about a discharge date, and she asked for my thoughts on that. She asked that I pray through the weekend and then be open to the possibility of just trusting the team's recommendation.On the way back, I read her a portion of the book I'm reading, 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder. Key 7 is about reaching out to other people during recovery for help when needed. I thanked her for being such a sweet friend and told her she was the friend the book described and how much that meant to me.I told her I know I'm not good at reaching out and asking for help. I committed to work hard at that and be open with her. I will learn to ask for help. I warned I might be asking every day.When I said goodbye (oh that was hard), she gave me a letter from my home therapist. I can't believe he took the time to do that. It meant so much, and I'm so thankful. "I want you to stay as long as Jesus wants you to stay." The letter really made me stop and think. Everyone is telling me the same thing. Maybe it's time to let go and trust.I just went to Mrs. Daugette who stayed late today. Before I could change my mind, I told her I was going to do my best to trust the team and their recommendation Monday morning. I would still pray all weekend, but I was committing to trust. I told her I may need her to remind me I said that after the weekend since I'm usually in a bad place on Sunday nights.She smiled the biggest smile and asked if she could hug me. She told me how proud of me she was.No sooner than sitting back down in this chair did I second guess telling her that. BUT - I promised to trust. And I will.
September 24, 2016
This morning, we went to Lake Ella for our field trip. Everyone had been talking for weeks about how much fun it is and beautiful...I honestly couldn't figure out what all the hype was about. The shops seemed to be run down cottages, and the one we went in - that they called a boutique -was full of incense and hippy clothing. Not really my style. Not a boutique.But I enjoyed walking around the lake. I'm super anxious for the team's decision on Monday morning. I remember Mrs. Daugette said the decision will not be for me to go home yet, most likely.Now, I'm super nervous about them wanting me to move to Partial Hospitalization. I would go crazy in the evenings. And those ladies aren't serious about recovery. Well, not as serious. They're always looking for a way out and sleep all the time.I want the evening groups and to get the most I can get out of my treatment.Last night, it occurred to me that if I stay, I won't be home on my son's birthday. I feel HORRIBLE about that!
September 25, 2016
I had an idea this morning for my son's birthday! If I'm still here, maybe Mrs. Benson would allow me to rent a car and drive to Jacksonville for the evening. I could surprise him by picking him up at school and going to dinner with the family.It wouldn't be his full birthday celebration, but we could do that at Disney or something when I get home a week or so later. Maybe it would erase some of the negativity of me being away on his birthday.And maybe I'll be home and it won't even be necessary. But it sure encouraged me this morning that maybe that would be a possibility if needed._________________________I forgot to write yesterday about my opportunity to share with another patient. She was asking lots of questions about why Jesus had to die, how He took our place, and OT law. It gave me a great opportunity to share the plan of salvation.I was also able to talk about God's unconditional love, no condemnation for sin, and several other things through that conversation.She said she gave her life to Christ as a young teenager but had really struggled with her faith. She seemed to be encouraged by our talk and even claimed it as a joy and victory in closing.She said that no one had ever explained God's love that way to her before. I'm praying she'll accept Christ as her Savior if she hasn't had a true experience. It's hard to imagine she has if she is only just now understanding what He did for us on the cross. If she has already accepted Jesus, I pray she'll recommit her life to Him.