Treatment Truths: Week 6
October 3, 2016
Today is my son's birthday.... And I am here. Last night may have been my hardest night of sleep since coming to treatment. It was full of worry, anxiety, and racing thoughts about anything and everything. A lot of the anxiety was over my changing body and the transition home. I don't want to disappoint anyone.This morning while they were taking my blood pressure, I realized you can barely see the veins in my arms anymore, and it panicked me. As I write that out, I can see that seems absolutely crazy, and I'm embarrassed to admit I had that thought. I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it's representative of me not being thin anymore.That's perplexing, because I know that is the whole goal. I have to gain weight so I can go home. But the anxiety that brings feels like it's going to swallow me. It just doesn't feel safe.I like to be small enough that I don't even have to think about it. So small I just disappear and go unnoticed. I like my clothes to be loose. I like to feel light and airy. It feels appropriate. The way I should be. The right way for me to live.I know those things aren't truth. God's plan is for me to nourish my body. I am not nourished when I am thin. I have to keep challenging the lies.The treatment teams tell me that being that thin doesn't make me go unnoticed, actually. It makes me stand out. But the exact opposite is the way it feels.I'm worried about my schedule when I go home. I know my husband doesn't want me to rush back to work and church. I want to honor his wishes, but I also don't want to take advantage of the generosity and grace that's been extended to me. And I am already starting to feel like I'm not needed. What if they just replace me?So many things on my heart... These things woke me up often last night and kept me awake. My anxiety is definitely out the roof this morning. God, you know what I need today. Please go before me and plan my steps today, according to my needs. Help me to be open to receive it.____________________I'm thankful for another opportunity to share Jesus today. After we read the Jesus Calling devotion for the day in opening, the therapist asked for questions or comments. One of the girls said that she wanted to ask me if that would be OK.She wanted to know how it's possible to focus your mind on Jesus throughout the day. How could she be mindful of Him through different circumstances?It was humbling to be called on to answer that question. I was able to share with her that part of it is spending time in the Word, planting those promises deep in your heart. The Lord brings them to mind and draws your heart towards Him as you go about your day. Part of it is intentionality. It's being aware that Jesus is the answer for everything and purposefully turning your thoughts towards Him through every part of your day. It's having an open, unending conversation with Him all day long. Just talking to Him about anything and everything. And the more you make it priority to do these things ( the intentionality piece), the more natural it will become until one day, you wonder how you ever lived without being mindful of Him through your days.____________________There was a new admission today. She's beyond skinny, and I feel embarrassed to be near her. I shouldn't be here anymore at this size. I feel like a failure, and I'm ashamed. I know that has to be the eating disorder, but it's all I'm hearing right now. "Shame on you. Look what you've done to yourself. How could you. You don't deserve to be healthy."Lies. They are lies.Oh goodness, I know it would feel so good to go back to where my clothes are loose and I just disappear into the crowd.I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I know it's not how I should be feeling. I know it's keeping me from home. But how do I stop the thoughts??I have to stop. To compare is to despair. I am following my meal plan. I am trusting the professionals. I am getting healthy so I can go home to my family. I will keep saying this until I feel it.____________________In my session with Mrs. Daugette, we did the body tracing again. I was nervous to do it, because I was so afraid of the changes I would see. Before we began, we talked about why I may still be struggling with accepting the truth that the tracing displays. I shared a little of how I was feeling about my body right now. How I missed being thin.Mrs. Daugette wondered if it had anything to do with the reprocessing I did with Mrs. Gamin on Thursday. Interesting. Maybe?We redid the body tracing. I'm supposed to write out all my feelings about it.It was a little difficult to decipher with so many lines. Mrs. Daugette said I was shifted a little too far on one side, so it was off a bit.But the reality was that it definitely had changed. While she didn't think it was significant, it looks like my arms got a lot bigger, as did my legs. And of course it doesn't show any of the 3-D roundness. So I don't even know what I think about it other than it got bigger. Just as I feared. But I am trying to trust it's what's best for me right now. The new patient wanted to ask me some questions. I was happy to help any way I could. She asked what the hardest part of the treatment program was for me. Hands down, it was by far the eating/food/weight gain.She asked me how much weight I'd gained since getting here, and I felt so huge. Please God, I can't get through this. I need You. If I didn't have a husband and 4 children, I would quit. But I do have a husband and 4 children, and I have to do this for them. I can't quit. I have to keep pushing through.I mean honestly - what is wrong with me?! I'm coveting the body of this new patient that has very obviously been ravaged by an eating disorder for years. Clearly, she is suffering physically. Why on earth does that still pull me in and make me long to be in that body, feeling it would be safer. Get it together, Amie!! This is definitely the hardest day since my breakdown over the first few days. They say if it's not hard, you're not getting better. That should bring me some peace.The eating disorder voice has been brutal today. And I feel so alone. I don't know how to make anyone understand the extreme anxiety and panic I feel. I don't even understand. But I feel it so strongly I don't think I can stand another minute.But looking at my son over FaceTime tonight, trying to sing Happy Birthday to him through painful tears, wishing so badly I was with him reminded me of how selfish my thoughts have been today.I don't mean to be selfish, though. I would do anything for my family. That's why I'm here. But I can't stop these thoughts and feelings. The shame is so heavy. Oh God, I need You. Please help me. I need answers or some relief tomorrow. Please.
October 4, 2016
I still feel so much anxiety this morning. I cried in opening. I don't know what to do.I had a session with Ms. Merritt. She tried to assure me that my weight gain is still going at a slow and steady rate. I asked if I was close to being weight restored. She said no. What?!?! How can I not be close?? I feel like I'm beyond restored.____________________The new patient has on leggings today. She is so, so thin. Bless her heart. I was far from that size when I came here. Why did everyone tell me I was out of time? That my life was at stake? She is MUCH smaller than I was.Amie - WHY DO YOU CARE?? Stop this.____________________I just finished a session with Mrs. Gamin. We talked for quite a while about how much I'm struggling with my body. We discussed the extreme anxiety and the guilt I've been experiencing.She pulled out a sheet from her binder that had all kinds of different body shapes in progression from smallest to largest. I had to identify which one I was. I did, and she said I was way off. I was actually the second girl of the two that are underweight shapes. I had chosen the one three above that.Mrs. Gamin said that this exercise, coupled with the body associations I have with shape, should make me have to acknowledge that when it comes to my body, I can't trust what I see or what I feel. It's so clearly not about a weight to her. My perceptions are way off. I have to trust them right now.We also talked about buying the book and how I felt that emotionally and physically. I told her how the guilt was increasing as I read it, because the stories of the survivors were so horrific. My experiences were nothing like theirs.Mrs. Gamin said it really didn't matter what happened. If I felt like it was awful, it was awful.I quickly said that was my point. I want someone to tell me to grow up and face reality and get on with life if it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't want anyone to make more of it than it really is.She laughed and said she understood. She wasn't just saying that. Her point was that I needed to recognize and validate my feelings.She said the things I experienced WERE awful. Whether or not I choose to acknowledge them doesn't change the facts that they were awful. There are several things I wrote on my timeline which were abuse, whether or not I choose to name them as such.She used an analogy involving a shipwreck. It wouldn't be right to say that only the people on the ship deck suffered a shipwreck since they were the ones out in the storm. The people down below also suffered, even though they were in a different place. Some may have physical injuries. Some may have lost their lives. Some may have PTSD-related responses.But all were in it together, just in different places, and with different stories and responses.Mrs. Gamin asked where I was in acknowledging the abuse I'd experienced.I told her I understood what she was saying. And part of me wanted to acknowledge it, but I still felt so guilty.She talked a little more about what qualifies as abuse, its definition.Then she gave me a homework assignment to write a "Dear Diary" entry from my young Amie perspective during and after one of the traumatic events I experienced. Then write a letter from me at my current age to that girl, imagining what I would say to my daughter if it had happened to her. She would make the evening therapists aware that I may need help with grounding during and after the assignment.Mrs. Gamin asked how I would respond to my daughter if she had experienced any of the traumatic incidents on my timeline. Would I tell her what I'd said earlier in the session that it wasn't a big deal? That she was making too much of it?I told her I for certain would not say those things if they happened to my daughter. That would be different.She said that was very telling. Given I have a history of minimizing, I needed to remember that any time something is true for everyone except me, it's an irrational statement or belief.Mrs. Gamin feels that the anxiety I'm having with my body changing is directly tied to the trauma, because the more we work through these things, the more my anxiety around body image/size/shape increases.Our session had gone over, so we had to end. My takeaway after thinking through it at length was "I was a victim of abuse." My heart was slamming against my chest as I said it. I cried as I recorded it in my binder."Good for you," Mrs. Gamin kept saying over and over in such a sweet, soft tone.She asked what I was feeling, and I told her I didn't know how to describe it other than extremely sad.She felt like that was very appropriate - the things that happened to me should make me very sad. Maybe now, I'll be able to acknowledge even more feelings.____________________Although I cannot put my finger on how I feel other than sad (and I know it's so much more - I just can't identify it), I can say that for the first time in weeks, my anxiety about my body is giving me a bit of a break. Maybe it really isn't about the weight. Maybe it really is just associations that are driving the overwhelming fear and anxiety.____________________I go home one week from tomorrow. I could not be more thankful and excited that this season of my life, that I never thought I could endure, is ending. On day one, I thought there was no way I would EVER make it.If I'm really honest, I have to admit there's a lot I'm really nervous about going home. I feel so out of practice. Even when we went to Outback while I was here, I felt like I was not present at times. I kept forgetting to help the kids.What if I can't remember how to juggle everything?What if they find out they liked it better with me gone?What if things are awkward at work?What if everyone makes lots of comments about my size?What if it's awkward between my husband and me?What if I struggle with the meal plan?What if I stay this lazy?What will I do with these feelings without the accountability?A verse I memorized as a little girl just came to mind. "Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you." Thank you, Lord, for placing that on my heart. Please hold this anxious, worried heart close tonight.____________________
October 5, 2016
Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer. I know You did, because the anxiety is not nearly as bad this morning. I'm not really sure what I feel. I'm definitely still anxious, and maybe a little confused. I feel tightness in my chest but a little numbness, too, I think. Maybe that's the confusion?____________________The new patient just walked up and asked me if she could ask me a question. She wanted to know if I was weight restored. I told her I wasn't, and the look on her face made me feel huge.She asked how much more I was going to have to gain, eyebrows raised in disbelief, and I told her I didn't know. She just shook her head and asked with a very uncomfortable look on her face if I thought it was going to be a little more or a lot more. I just said I didn't know, wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.Then she asked how I could be OK with that. I answered that it is just the way they do it here.I was dying on the inside, my worst fears confirmed. I do look heavy and am weight restored.Someone called her, and I must have had a strange look on my face, even though I was trying hard to look normal. Before she walked away, she asked if she'd said anything to upset me. I just smiled and said no.We moved our placemats and things outside for lunch. Of course I would have to eat right after that conversation. I was placed beside her. I just wanted to be quiet and disappear, but she wanted to talk.I started eating my yogurt. She said, "Man, it's a good thing you like the yogurt because you sure eat a lot of it!"The TA immediately called her out, and she apologized and said she was just a rebel.I was horrified and feeling heavier by the second.It's one thing to feel a certain way about myself based on what I see when I look at her and look at me. But when I'm being told by the therapists that my vision is distorted, it makes me question if they're being truthful when someone else who sees me feels certain I have to be weight restored and looks disgusted when she hears I'm not.I feel like I'm just being slammed left and right with my own thoughts about my body. To have them confirmed by someone else feels terrible.____________________I worked on my "Dear Diary" and letter exercises for Mrs. Gamin. Goodness, that was heavy.____________________
October 6, 2016
This morning we had equine with Ms. Merritt followed by a group session with Ms. Freeman.Ms. Freeman talked about the Five Love Languages. I tied at 9 for words of affirmation and gifts. I had 7 for acts of service.My husband's love language is physical touch. 100%. I'm realizing I'm in my head and not present so much that I miss opportunities to connect with him that way pretty often.____________________Then I met briefly with Ms. Merritt. She said that I have about another month to go on supplements. That freaks me out! I just can't think about that right now.____________________I had a session after lunch with Mrs. Daugette. Have I mentioned she's incredible?!She asked how I was doing, and I admitted to still be struggling a lot with body image. She shared several things and helped me see that accepting that where I am with that is where I am.A man on a long journey with a hurt leg isn't helping himself at all by fretting over that fact that he has an injured leg. It just makes it worse. He's better off acknowledging it and pressing forward.Mrs. Daugette said to accept that I'm not OK with my body right now and to know that's OK. I'll keep doing the work that will eventually get me there. It takes as long as it takes.She also said to remember to separate healthy Amie who wants to be OK with her body and eating disorder Amie who is pushing the negative thoughts.She still feels strongly that it's not at all about the weight but rather body associations which stem from my past.Mrs. Gamin had shared a little bit of our last session with Mrs. Daugette, and Mrs. Daugette wanted to check in with me to see where I was and how I was doing with all of that.I said that on Tuesday with Mrs. Gamin, I was able to acknowledge that I was a victim of abuse. And then I started crying again and said that even saying that now, I feel guilty.When I tried to explain why, she challenged that people often make poor decisions leading up to abuse, but it doesn't mean they're responsible for the abuse.And that's even true for less serious things. Let's say I call her every name in the book and she punches me right in the face. Is it my fault that she punched me? No, but I did make decisions leading up to it that contributed towards her feelings. That doesn't change the fact that she is solely responsible for her actions.When you hold onto things that aren't yours (guilt), you also don't get to hold all the good that you have in your life. She reminded me about how I use guilt as a way to feel like I had control over a situation of which I had no control in an effort to help me not feel out of control.Mrs. Daugette started talking about healing. I asked her how I could find healing from these incidents.She said that was a loaded question with all kinds of answers. But for starters, you can't work towards healing until you name it. She's glad that I've named some of my past for abusive in general, because it is. But there are more incidents of which I've not named. I need to call them what they are.I think my home therapist and she must have talked. He says that to me at least once a week.She asked where I was with naming the other things, and I didn't know what to say.Mrs. Daugette said my head looked like it was floating about 3 feet above my body and that I was pushing all of my feelings down.Surprisingly, that was exactly how I felt as I thought about the incidents.She asked me to close my eyes and breathe. Notice any tightness, warmness, or flutters. My chest was tight, and my stomach was churning. My heart was pounding.She asked what I was feeling afraid of and told me to keep breathing. I didn't think I was afraid of anything. It was just the remembrance of all of it.She had me repeat some reassurances to myself. I am safe. I am OK. I am loved. They can't hurt me.We sat in quiet for a moment.And then she said, "Amie, I just need to tell you something." She said I had taken a big mess and made something beautiful with it when most people would have crumbled. I am an incredibly amazing person, and it was such an honor for her to be even a small part of my recovery story. There are so many things about me that are good and strong and brave. So many people see them, but I don't.As she talked, tears streamed from her eyes. Needless to say, I was doing the same. It just meant so much to hear such sweet things from her. I wish I had them all written out so I could read them every day. I've already forgotten some. Then she gave me a big hug.When asked for my takeaway, I was trembling. After a few deep breaths, I named the abuse and acknowledged that I am not responsible for the actions of others, regardless of what I did or didn't do.That was probably the most significant takeaway to date. My home therapist worked on that for months, and the team here had been working on it for weeks.And I was exhausted.____________________So at the end of today, I'm still feeling anxious about my size and shape and wishing I was still thin. But I also want to be healthy and free of this eating disorder, so I will keep fighting. And I am beginning to see the connection between past trauma and anxiety about my body.I am where I am, and it's OK. It takes as long as it takes.____________________
October 7, 2016
I missed most of Ms. Freeman's group this morning for an individual, but I was able to hear the beginning when we read through a handout. It resonated beyond anything else I've ever read. I feel like they took these thoughts straight out of my head. Mind blown.It's from The Healing Nest: What Eating Disorders are Really About, written in an effort to broaden the understanding of this illness and shed some light into some of the darker, less spoken about underlying issues.
It's not about food or weight...it's about feeling unsafe in the world. It's about feeling like we can't trust anyone, not even ourselves.
It's about the feelings we can't verbalize, that can't be expressed through words so we try to say it with our bodies.
It's about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate. Like nothing we do or say or feel is right. Not thin enough often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough.
It's about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The eating disorder gives us a sense of calm. To an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos, but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with... the eating disorder provides by giving simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight.
It's about needing to feel loved and comforted but feeling unworthy of real love and comfort. It's about hating having needs and desires. Needs make us feel greedy and selfish. Having needs means we can easily get hurt if those needs aren't met. We don't believe we even deserve to have our needs met. We convince ourselves that we don't need anything by avoiding food.
It's about the way we feel about ourselves. We may have been abused. We have done things we deeply regret. We blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self-hatred is there, but we feel it in our core. It's something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark and disgustingly horrible. We deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, and excessively exercise because we feel we deserve this miserable life.
It's about debilitating anxiety and depression that we struggle to deal with so we use the eating disorder to cope.
It's about being paralyzed by perfectionism. We have obsessive compulsive personalities and expectations that are so high we constantly feel like we are failing. We compare ourselves to everyone around us and constantly feel that we are not enough.
It's about the disgust we have for our bodies. Somehow our bodies have betrayed us.
It's about the environment we grew up in.....divorce or distant, overbearing, or overprotecting parents.
It's about secrecy and silence. We are silently screaming for something. We use our bodies and behaviors to communicate instead of our voices.
It's about fear of our past, of failure, or that we are not enough.
It's about holding onto an identity. It makes us strong, masks our fear and shame and vulnerability. These things, we believe, make us weak.
It's about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the eating disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear, etc.
It's about being an extremely sensitive soul. We feel things deeply and intensely. We are affected by others' emotions easily and often take on their pain. We are emotionally reactive. We cry at the drop of a hat. We take things personally and over think EVERYTHING. We feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, like it is our responsibility to save it.
It's about loneliness. Like we don't fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. The support we have around us doesn't matter; this is an emptiness that can't seem to be filled.
It's about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences.
It's about being passive. We put others first at a huge cost to our own health and happiness. We say yes when we mean no and no when we mean yes. We struggle with being assertive and often are taken advantage of. This only feeds into our unworthiness.
It's about wanting to shrink so that we become invisible. We want to become as small as we feel. We want to hide away. Our shrinking body becomes a metaphor for our shrinking soul.
It's about being in so much emotional pain that you can't even begin to allow yourself to feel it or acknowledge it. The pain the eating disorder brings seems like a blessing in comparison. We use the eating order to avoid and distract ourselves from all the things that are really going on inside.
Oh my gosh. So good. This is me. These are the purposes the eating disorder fills in my life.____________________In my family session with Mrs. Gamin and my husband, we talked about me going home and what I may need. In a nutshell, I shared that I need for him to continue to be gentle, wait till after meals to question me, allow me to be a part of decision-making during the transition, and trust me to implement self-care when I'm overwhelmed.It was very well-received. I love him so.Mrs. Gamin thought because of the nature of what we'd been working on the last couple of weeks, it would be helpful if I told my husband about it.So I told him about the trauma work we'd been doing and the difficulties of it. It was a hard but really good week. I told him I had named the things that happened to me.The anxiety was creeping in again.My husband assured me of his love and was so proud of me.Mrs. Gamin asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I knew she wanted me to tell him about one of the incidents we'd reprocessed. I sat there feeling like the anxiety was going to burst me wide open.I finally looked at her and whispered that I just couldn't. She gave me the sweetest nod and wrinkled her nose as she smiled - they're kind of her trademark expressions. I'll forever remember them.She transitioned out of that beautifully for me.She asked how I was feeling talking through all of this, and I told her I was feeling pretty anxious. She encouraged me to keep taking deep breaths.My husband said if he were here he would hold me, let me cry, and assure me I'm loved and safe, and it's OK. It sounded so good just to hear him say those things.____________________I'm thrilled to be going home. But I have to admit I'm dreading the "lasts" that are coming. I have one session left each with Mrs. Gamin and Mrs. Daugette. There literally are no words to express what they've meant to me. There's something that forms a very special bond when you share such deep things with people.____________________Tonight is supposed to be movie night. But instead of watching a movie, we have decided to have our own group - just the residents. We shared pieces of our stories, and it was a sweet time and a good way to end the week. We plan to do it tomorrow night, too.____________________
October 8, 2016
Today our field trip was to Hobby Lobby. It was the first field trip I've been excited about. I bought a scrapbook album to hold all the cards my friend made for me for daily inspiration. They have been such a powerful encouragement to me here. I want to have a way to look back on them often.One of the residents I've been trying to encourage bought a Bible at Hobby Lobby!!!Last night in our little group, she shared that her greatest victory here has been getting her heart right with God. I'm humbled that she said I've been the greatest influence for that. And I'm thankful that God would choose to use me in some small way to help her, even amidst my own mess.She bought a Bible of her own so she can read it and make notes. She said she loves learning from it. She's currently sitting across from me reading it right now!!____________________Mrs. Connors' afternoon group was on identifying if we are introverts or extroverts. I'm without a doubt an introvert. We learned the main difference in them is the way they recharge. Interesting.____________________My sweet friend sent a letter to me via screenshots through text. It was so good for my heart to read it during phone time.She just talked about normal stuff, and it felt so refreshing. I miss my time with her. I can't wait to be home!!____________________The new resident is actually very kind and fun to be around. I think she was just so nervous the first couple of days that she wasn't even thinking about what she was saying.I'm still struggling a lot with my body shape and size. Seeing the new thin resident is very triggering. Those have to be eating disorder thoughts. I have to challenge them.How will I ever be comfortable with it? I just don't think I can manage these feelings forever.But I'm going to have to. I could never do this to my family again. That scares me to death to even think about.____________________So Ms. Musgrave just called a meeting to tell us that it is no longer permissible for us to have our own "group" on movie nights. Rest and relaxation are intentionally scheduled for a reason.She wants us all to do something restful and relaxing tonight, but we can't do group or discuss anything heavy amongst ourselves.I can't even. I'm not even going to share my thoughts on that.____________________I worked on my scrapbook album last night and absolutely love the way it holds my letters! It's so easy to quickly read through them. I'm going to need a box to put all my mailed letters in. I'm so blessed to have been so loved! So many people have taken the time to write and encourage me. I'm so thankful.____________________I'm beginning to get really anxious about the transition home Wednesday morning. I'm SUPER excited, but there are definitely some fears.I've been working on my meal plan for Ms. Merritt, and it was harder than I expected. And it is a little overwhelming to think about preparing all that food.When I look back over these 6 weeks, it brings so much emotion to think I actually made it. Well, God did it!!Thinking about that first night - I really thought I would die. I just knew there was no way I would survive away from my family and in such uncomfortable surroundings with so many people. But every day, God gave me exactly what I needed to keep moving.And I know I can trust that the same will happen when I get home. I know He will continue to carry me.But if I'm honest, I'm still afraid.I'm afraid I won't be able to pick up where I left off.I'm afraid my family has gotten used to me not being there and I will complicate things.Im afraid I'll mess up and disappoint everyone.I'm afraid of the way I'm feeling right now, hating my body and wanting to be thin again so badly.I'm afraid of not having structure and accountability at meal and snack times.I'm afraid I won't remember how to be a wife and mom and balance all the responsibilities.I'm afraid of the way my brain gets stuck and can't recall things I just heard.I'm afraid of the way I space out. It's one thing to do that here but another thing to do that with family and at work.I'm afraid of my emotions and the way they bounce all over the place and how quickly I'm brought to tears.I'm afraid of going back to church and work, that no one will see me as the same person and that things were fine without me. Am I even needed??I'm afraid the wonderful relationships I've had recently with my family will go back to what they used to be, and that will hurt so much.I'm afraid I won't be able to put into practice the things I've learned here, but I also won't be the same that I was when I left. I'll be stuck somewhere in between, but not really feeling "right."I'm afraid my time with the Lord won't be as sweet.I'm afraid I won't know what to do with my life. I sense God doing something, but I don't know what (career-wise).Those are just a few fears that are heavy on my heart tonight."Perfect love casts out fear." I've heard my dear friend say that so many times. I'm thankful for God's perfect love. Lord, help me lean into Your strength. Through your perfect love for me, can You please cast out my fear?____________________
October 10, 2016
This morning, I have equine and art. Since I prayed yesterday for the Lord to guide the schedule planning, I will trust that He did just that and do my best to make the most of them.My last session with Mrs. Gamin was really good. She is so genuinely sweet.We talked about jumping back in when I get home. That I need to guard against that.We also processed the "Dear Diary" and letter I wrote.She wanted me to know that the things I wrote about while picturing my daughter would also be true for me. I need to believe those things.I understood where she was coming from, but it doesn't feel the same.We talked about how during the time of the incidents, it felt like I had nowhere to go, no one I could tell, and all the feelings surrounding that. I couldn't imagine if my daughter felt that way. How could it not have been something about me?We talked about this in detail at length. My chest got tight, my heart was fluttering, and it felt like I wasn't breathing, even though I could feel myself doing it.Mrs. Gamin asked me to picture someplace safe in my mind and remember that image so I could go back to it when I needed to do so.She asked about our last session and noticed that I seemed to check out towards the end. I told her I'd actually been thinking a lot about that over the last few days.One of the things I'd wanted to talk about while I was here was being present in the moment. I feel like I often dissociate or space out. My body is there, but my mind is not.Sometimes I even participate in the conversation without realizing it. I know this because the kids will say that I just said that or I already asked that or they just told me that to which I respond that I didn't hear them. Usually, they say that I said OK or answered it in some way.Mrs. Gamin said that the best way I can work on that is to be aware of when I'm doing it, try to identify the emotions or triggers that led to it, and try to find something to do when that happens to ground me and keep me in the moment. For example, if it happens while I'm cooking, I could play some music and sing.Any emotion could do that. My body just can't handle the emotion, so it sends my mind somewhere else. She said to really pay attention to what emotions I'm feeling when that happens. I probably had my last evening group with Ms. Grove tonight. I'm going to miss her groups. She has such a way of just helping us open up and talk. It's so hard to believe I go home in about 36 hours!!!! I still can't believe I made it!! Well, God made it and carried me right along with Him. I truly never thought I'd be able to do it. Wow.Now...figuring out where to go from here when so much is different...
October 11, 2016
Last full day!!!!! So excited, so nervous, so anxious... I feel like I'm so different than when I left. But I'm not exactly sure what those differences are or who this new person is. I do know I hate the body in which I'm returning. But I'm BEYOND excited to be with my family, and that's the greatest thing.It was such a great day. I even got to have another session with Ms. Freeman. She had already said so many kind things about me that day. She has such an encouraging heart. And this last session was no different. Love her. There were only two of us in closing today, and the other girl began sharing how she feels left out and hurt by the other girls. She definitely leans towards the dramatic side, but we had all done our best to befriend her.Ms. Freeman challenged what she said and asked her if it was OK for me to weigh in since I was sitting right there and I was one of the girls.I first apologized for anything we may have done to cause her to feel that way. It certainly was not our intention. I asked for examples. She said she wasn't talking about me. She just felt like the other two didn't want anything to do with her and shut her out.I told her while I couldn't speak for the other two residents, I do know them pretty well. I felt certain she misunderstood intentions. They never meant to hurt her or leave her out. That's just not in their personalities. They want to help her any way they can.I also challenged her to remember why she's here. She's not here to make new BFF's. She needs to spend her time focusing on recovery rather than looking to build relationships. I said a lot more and tried to find ways to encourage her through it, but that was the general idea.Ms. Freeman took us to the restroom. While the other girl was in there, Ms. Freeman said again how much she was going to miss me and that there was just something really special about me. She said I'm amazingly strong, but that I don't see it. She restated how in over 3 years of working there, she's never known anyone to work harder. (My friend will be so proud since she wanted me to be the hardest worker!)Then she said that what I said in there was absolutely perfect with just the right amount of sweetness and firmness, and then shook her head and again said there's just something about me. I'll always hold a special place in her heart. And I'd better believe when those two years of no contact are up, she'll be reaching out to me.Oh my heart! It felt so good to hear that. And how I'd love to hear from her!! She made me promise to write. I've been thinking a lot recently about the future. I feel like something in me is stirring to go back to school to get my degree in counseling. It keeps coming to mind more and more frequently.I think I would want to specialize in treating eating disorders. Who knows...maybe I could even start a partial hospitalization program in Jacksonville!Some of the girls here have said they thought I'd be an amazing therapist. Something about Ms. Freeman's encouragement today burned the desire a little deeper in my heart. Lord, will you please give me wisdom?And Lord, August 29 was the hardest, most difficult day of my life. And the days following that weren't a lot easier.When I think back to that afternoon and evening, I have a physical reaction in my stomach and chest, and the tears come. I never thought I would make it, but I cried out to You. And You heard me and answered.Even though this was beyond hard, it was absolutely the exact thing I needed. And I can't believe You helped me do it... not just 30 days, but 45 days!! I've learned so much about myself.I'm nervous for this level of therapy to end. But I'll forever remember how You got me through this time. I am eternally grateful!Thank you for picking up the pieces of my broken heart on August 29 and picking me up, too, since I could not pull myself together. You walked me through every step of the way.My husband is picking me up at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I'm sure a part of me, although very happy to be going home, will also be sad to close the door on this most difficult time/chapter of my life. The pain was so great, but how could I even summarize all that I've learned?! I know people will ask, and I won't even know where to begin.A part of my heart will be sad to leave this place that God literally used to likely save my life. He opened the window to all kinds of hurt, pain, and processing so that I could learn new truths. Bitter, but oh so sweet. The people here have been absolutely amazing.Please, Lord, I know my emotions will bounce all over the place tomorrow. Please help me hold them in check so as not to spoil the day for anyone!____________________
October 12, 2016
I DID IT!!! The day is finally here!! Well, God did it.It's really over, and I still can't believe it!!! My husband is picking me up in 15 minutes!I just had the sweetest well-wishes anyone could ever ask for. Even the therapists cried with me. It will be one of those moments I hold dear to my heart forever.Thank You, Lord, for residential treatment. Thank You for the opportunity to come here for 45 days. Thank You for taking care of my family. Thank You for providing for us financially. Thank You for working things out for me at work. Thank You for my wonderful therapist and dietician at home. Thank You for walking me through every minute of every day.My strength was absolutely gone, but Yours was all that I needed. Thank You for restoring relationships in my family. Please continue to heal them. Please help me do the right things when I leave. Help me apply what I've learned in all areas of my life. Help me to be a better wife, mom, friend, leader, and most importantly, let my relationship with You continue to grow.I'm just overwhelmed with so many emotions right now remembering how You've cared for me and held me close these last 45 days.Ahhhh!!! He's here!!!!!! Time to go HOME!!!!Thank You, Father!