Treatment Truths: Week 3
September 12, 2016
Today – oh my goodness! I’m not ever sure where to begin or how to describe it.It began with equine – not so much.Then we had art. No so much learning, but I did learn that I enjoyed it a bit.Then, I had a session with Ms. Merritt. I’m quite certain I’m making her crazy. But I again voiced my concerns to her about the amount of intake and the weight gain happening too fast.I also told her how I felt deceived with the 1-2 pounds per week posted on the website vs. the rate I’m actually gaining.I didn’t tell her I overheard a patient telling her friend on the phone about her trip to the ER last night and learning she’d gained 20 pounds.Ms. Merritt assured me that it averages out at 1-2 pounds per week and that I am not any different. They don’t believe any more would be safe for me.She also talked about caloric intake and urged me to trust her with that right now. She said eating a normal 1800 calories/day right now would barely provide maintenance and would not result in weight gain.She said my body has been beaten and parts of it have been depleted, swollen, shut down, etc., and that most of what is going in it is being used for daily functioning and repair of damage.She promised she would not give me a bite more than was absolutely necessary and would monitor intake and weight very closely so as to be able to adjust it quickly should things change.We talked about the visual distortion, and that being the reason I’m seeing myself getting big and thinking incorrectly about normal meals. I just can’t wrap my head around all of that. I feel like I see just fine.____________________________Then I had lunch, and it was followed by a group with Ms. Grove on establishing healthy boundaries.It was really good. The main thing I learned was that I need to set boundaries for myself rather than for others – or rather that’s more important right now.____________________________Then I had a session with Mrs. Daugette. It was….how do I even describe it???She asked how my day had gone, and I told her about the session with Ms. Merritt and how I wanted so badly to trust her, but I didn’t know how to do that when I felt like nothing was distorted. My vision is fine. I know what normal people eat.She suggested we do the body tracing exercise. I drew a life size image on butcher block paper of what my body looks like to me. Then she traced by body.I was literally speechless. They were very, very different.I couldn’t stop staring at it. It really did look like a child, and the shoulders and arms looked kind of freaky actually.It’s definitely not what I see when I look at myself.I really wanted to question its accuracy, but the whole time she was tracing me, she was showing me her pencil was straight up and down, and I could feel it right up against my body. But it still feels like something has to have thrown it.Mrs. Daugette said even if it wasn’t 100% accurate, it wouldn’t be far off. So I just kind of feel stunned.I kept asking her how this could be possible when it’s not what I see in the mirror but yet I see other things clearly and was just at the eye doctor.She explained it’s not actually a visual thing, but rather a perception. And it’s specific to the way I see myself. It doesn't affect the way I see others. Seeing is not always believing in the case of those with an eating disorder.She asked why I thought my upper arms were smaller than my lower arms. I guessed loss of muscle.She agreed it could be that. But what she really wanted me to understand was that she was basically tracing bones with a little bit of skin - a skeletal frame.She pulled out my treatment plan again and pointed to the word "extreme" and said that it has to be taken very seriously. That we're fighting for my life. That they don't just have the mentality that it would be nice or I would look a little better if I gained a little bit of weight.She compared the size of my frame to a little girl and said it's not the frame God intended for me. (I had just shared the truth God had shown me about Him knowing and choosing our frames.)This is why I have to trust them, because right now, I'm not seeing it clearly. At all, she said.I still just feel stunned, shocked, overwhelmed. A big part of me wants to trust them so badly. But there's the other part of me that discounts all of that, because I know what I see, know what I feel, and I'm the one wearing the clothes and feel the difference in the way they fit.I'm trying so hard to trust the process. But gaining weight still scares me so, so much. And I still feel like I know that I KNOW it's happening too quickly. It would make me feel better and more calm if I trusted it wasn't.But what if I'm right???She said in closing that the only reason I was able to keep going and function normally at home was because of sheer momentum. Everything inside me stood up to defend that statement, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder.The last week I was home when everyone started pitching in to help with driving the kids to school and stuff was the time I really noticed I was feeling bad physically.The dizziness worsened. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, and my head hurt so badly. That was probably from all the crying. I felt so very weak, almost all of a sudden. I often prayed that God would help me stand and walk and not pass out in front of everyone.So maybe it was a coincidence. Or maybe Mrs. Daugette was correct. When I did slow down, my body did, too.Who knows. And it probably doesn't matter anyway. Just trying to take all things into consideration._____________________________I had another nightmare last night. It was about some of the things that happened to me earlier in life, only in a different setting. I yelled out in my sleep again and woke up the other girls in my room. They said I was calling for help. Dreams are so strange._____________________________We don't have hot water tonight. Something is being repaired.I hurt so badly tonight. My stomach looks distended. The pain in my stomach is so sharp sometimes that I can hardly stand up straight.Praying the doctor can call in something to help. But I hope I don't actually have to see him tomorrow. That takes half a morning. Which means I miss half a day of therapy.
September 13, 2016
Today I saw the medical doctor, had a group with Ms. Freeman, an individual with Ms. Freeman, group with Ms. Grove, an individual with Mrs. Gamin, and group with Ms. Musgrave.Here are a few of my takeaways.
The doctor said labs were fine. Calcium was just a bit under, but OK.
To compare is to despair. Comparing is a learned, cultural behavior and can be unlearned.
I have a right to the way that I feel. No one should tell me I can't or shouldn't feel that way.
Work on family roles which include too much self-sacrifice. Learn to be OK with asking for help.
The CBT reprocessing really helped in identifying feelings.
Remember my core values and evaluate if I am living them from time to time.
Oh - I almost forgot! I had a mini session with Ms. Merritt today. She is adding ANOTHER supplement. My weight has not changed in almost a week now. I pleaded my case with her again, but to no avail.Working through the CBT reprocessing tool with Mrs. Gamin really was very helpful. We talked about the flash in my dream, the flashlight during a traumatic experience, and the flash on the phone camera. It helped me to understand why I responded the way I did to the camera flash. It brought back some of those same emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment that I'd experienced in earlier years.
September 14, 2016
Just finished processing breakfast with Ms. Freeman. I was feeling fat and gross and frustrated after having to eat bacon, 2 pieces of toast with butter, a hard boiled egg, banana, and yogurt.Ms. Freeman was kind but super direct. She said that the more I fight against the professionals and don't just let go and trust, the more I'm delaying my recovery. She encouraged me to dig deeper and figure out why I'm so afraid to gain. Why I feel more safe at this weight. What I'm trying to control.She was thankful I'm open and honest and take the feedback with such grace. She validated my feelings but insisted I'm going to remain stuck until I can just let go and trust.I really am trying with everything I know to try. So do I keep vocalizing my fears and anxieties or just act like I'm fine and going with it? I so don't want to frustrate anyone and make them document that I'm not recovering. What is best??_____________________________Takeaways from Goodbye Ed, Hello Me:
It is not genes or jeans that cause an eating disorder. Genes load the gun, but environment pulls the trigger.
People inherit a latent vulnerability that can lead to the development of such a disorder (often through personality traits of anxiety, compulsivity, and perfectionism).
It's OK to feel sad.
Instead of stuffing or starving away feelings, feel them. Acknowledge them. Expect to be overwhelmed, but work through the feelings.
A definitive statement that includes the word "always" is a sign that a belief might be irrational.
If the belief only applies to me, it is another strong signal that the belief is irrational.
How many people on this planet will I allow to have authority over me?
Do I hand my power over to other people in the name of codependency?
I can be polite and respectful to others while setting and protecting my own boundaries.
I don't have to please people.
I need to maintain healthy limits rather than building brick walls.
In a family session today, I heard some of my husband's perspectives of me:Amie with an eating disorder: confused, forgetful, not on top of it, scatterbrained, not sleeping, exhausted, lying, denial, deception, Hannah noticing, physical withdrawal, disconnected, not focused on others.(Gosh I especially hope that last one isn't really true!)Amie without an eating disorder: highly organized, multitasker, on top of things, puts up walls, guarded.We talked about his anger towards my eating disorder in previous weeks. I hope he was encouraged by the session. Hopefully he's realizing I couldn't help it. I hope he forgives me._____________________________In a session with Mrs. Daugette, she likened the eating disorder to a story.Imagine inviting someone into your home who seemed pleasant. A casual acquaintance. Things began well, but she ended up tying me to a chair and making me do things I didn't want to do.It's the same with the eating disorder. I need to let go of my responsibility.She also said some people use "I'm only staying 30 days" as a control mechanism. The eating disorder settles in and says I'll be compliant through this time, but soon I'll be home. I'll be able to do things my way at my pace.I hope I'm not doing that, but I have to admit that it has crossed my mind when it comes to the meal plan.I feel like I could tell my home dietician no more than one pound per week, and she would listen to me._____________________________I leveled up today! That means I have a little extra phone time, and I get an off-site visit on Friday afternoon with my precious family. So excited!!!!!_____________________________In community group today, the therapists said that many people with an eating disorder have personalities which require them to be productive every minute of every day or they are lazy, unproductive, and shamed.Part of the reason they provide experiential therapies is to help us move away from that mindset and learn to enjoy relaxation and activities in which we wouldn't normally take part.I'm not sure how to take that. That does apply to me. But I still think I prefer topical/themed groups over experiential group, because I want to heal and maximize every opportunity for growth.______________________________I got another beautiful, amazing card today from a family member. I also got a package from my friend with a couple of cards and some pictures from her daughter. So, so sweet! I love to get mail!______________________________We had a group with Ms. Grove tonight. She's awesome. Her are some takeaways:
To recover, we have to simplify our lives.
Just because something can be done doesn't mean it has to be done.
I can't possibly do everything that comes my way and still be happy.
Stop filtering your responses!
Is my eating disorder self-punishment? Like I don't deserve to feel good?
_______________________________Today's takeaways from Goodbye Ed, Hello Me:
Positive guilt: the kind of guilt you feel when you are making progress and breaking rules that need to be broken.
Sometimes feeling bad in recovery means that you're actually doing well.
I think I'm a good mind reader, but I am usually a terrible one.
Mind reading often pushed me into the eating disorder's arms. I worried about what people were thinking, and I turned to the eating disorder to reduce my anxiety. I need to practice direct communication.
Feeling lonely is actually progress, not a sign of weakness. It means that I'm connecting with my feelings and accepting the present moment.
Feeling fat is not a feeling, but it covers up other feelings.
There is a period when you are in your healthy body and feel horrible. But if you just stick with it without manipulating your food or weight, the horrible feeling subsides, and you actually begin to love your new body.
Overcoming perfectionism means challenging black and white thinking and opening up to the grey area.
September 15, 2016
Today is Joy Food day, and it is also the birthday of two residents. So Ms. Merritt gave us the option of having ice-cream cake for afternoon snack.Everyone said yes but me. I told Ms. Merritt I couldn't do it. She really wanted me to try it. That's what I was here to do. If I didn't eat it, I was letting the eating disorder grow stronger.Everything in me said no, but she kept reminding me I was in charge, not the eating disorder. I could push through the feelings of fear.So I agreed. And then started crying.Eating the cake was as hard as I expected, but it tasted SO good. Then the guilt hit hard for eating it and enjoying it.I cried on and off for two hours after the snack and still feel weepy. We had hotdogs for lunch, so I feel completely gross after putting cake on top of that.I have to admit that I am pretty proud of myself for eating it, though. I honored it for all my kids' future birthday parties. So I will try to focus on the positive things even though I'm freaking out._____________________________I had a good session with Mrs. Daugette today. I was a little embarrassed that I was so emotional, but she was as gracious as always.We talked a lot about competency and how much I hate to feel incompetent.She wonders if the incompetency I feel has anything to do with past incidents and relationships, in addition to feeling like I wasn't competent in many ways.I was made to feel incompetent for putting myself in bad positions when bad things happened. Others in my family seemed to be recognized as much more competent than me.Mrs. Daugette asked me to make a list of times in the past when I felt incompetent. I was astonished at how once I got started, I just kept remembering things. The list is pretty long.I defined competent as sufficient; capable; enough; on top of it; thorough; adequate.
September 16, 2016
Yay!!! Offsite visit with the family today!!________________________________I don't know why but I'm feeling extra heavy and anxious about my body today. Ms. Freeman processed breakfast with us today, and I shared a few of those thoughts.She pulled me aside a few minutes ago to talk through it.I told her about the stressors - weight, homesickness, not learning fast enough (11 days remaining!), frustration with the meal plan, hopelessness....She listened and validated my feelings, but she also challenged them. I'm definitely working hard and am maybe one of the hardest workers she's seen at treatment. The entire treatment team would agree. But she also said that the entire team would also agree that I need to consider 30 days is just not enough time. The eating disorder is too entrenched. Would I be able to go back and stay the course or do I need more support?I told her I thought my home treatment team would be willing to slow down the weight gain and do it a little at a time. That's what I need.She disagreed. It's like a bandaid and better to just get it over with. Weight also contributes to the healing process.But the gaining fast part is what's killing me! I just want it all to stop.Ms. Freeman told me that I still haven't surrendered to the process. The longer I hold on, the longer it will take to recover.But how do I do that when I don't trust it and it feels so awful??? I don't know how to let go. I am too afraid._______________________________I had such a good time with my family at the mall!! Oh how good it was to see them!!I cried so hard in front of them. I feel bad, knowing that has to be hard for them to see. But I just can't help it, as hard as I try to keep it in.Their hugs and kisses felt so good! Saying goodbye was so very heard. Oh, my heart._______________________________It's almost snack time, so I'm winding down for the evening. I'm so thankful His mercies are new every morning. I will need an extra measure of them this weekend. Praying I get back on track.
September 17, 2016
I'm not sure why at this point in my life I'm still just blown away when God so clearly demonstrates His love and faithfulness towards me. He has done so time and time again, and each time I'm equally as amazed and astonished at His level of care for me. I'm so humbled and thankful.Last night, I felt hopeless, sad, finished - like I just couldn't do this anymore. And I was so disappointed with myself for feeling that way.I specifically asked God for an extra measure of mercies in the morning, and that He would help me get back on track.I claimed my verses from Lamentations 3:22-23 but only half-heartedly, because I felt so badly.I struggled with anxiety and racing thoughts several times through the night.I didn't really feel a lot of difference when I woke up, but I got out of bed, determined to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. With every step, I could almost feel the Lord taking over.The determination became a reality and my hope was restoring. My emotions were coming under control, and I felt more focused.I finished getting ready and went to my table to open my daily letter from my friend and spend time in the Word.When I opened the letter, I was just blown away. It was Lamentations 3:22-23. It was such a clear reminder to me of how the Lord is so involved in every detail of our lives.He cares enough for me to not only give me an extra measure of mercy (I truly was not in a good place last night). But He also was so in the details that He planned for my friend to write that card for this specific day weeks ago so that there would be no question that He heard my cry for help and sent it.The verse I claimed last night and asked God to give me was the same verse in my letter of the day from my friend as a clear reminder of the mercies and faithfulness of God. I have truly felt physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally stronger with every step this morning.Thank you so much, God, for your faithfulness and love and care for me. You're such a good Father.____________________________Dear Friend,It was SO GOOD to talk to you tonight!! I miss talking, texting, seeing you every day... I always loved and appreciated those things so much, but having the freedom to do that will be so much more appreciated from now on! I'm so very thankful for your friendship. SO thankful! I miss you so!After I got off the phone tonight, I started thinking about how negative I was, and I hate that. There are so many positives, too. I just get really stuck in the body image mess.While that weighs heavily on me most of the time, great things are still happening, like learning to identify feeling, learning to be open, recognizing I stink at asking for help, learning to identify how much guilt motivates me, and recognizing areas that I try to control to name a few.I'm learning more about myself everyday. There are lots of really hard things and some really scary things, but this team is amazing. They just get us and so accurately pin point things and walk us through it.The really hard things can be super overwhelming, but they also bring about important discoveries. I wish I would have talked more about that with you tonight.I want so badly to be free of this! I've learned how even though I was able to cover the eating disorder for many years, its roots still were alive, growing, and influencing my thinking, emotions, presence, and decisions over the last two decades. As one of my therapists keeps reminding me, that in and of itself is a lot to unravel. But I want you to know that I don't walk around in despair and hopelessness. I'm doing my best to challenge my automatic thoughts and "unravel" just as fast as I possibly can.I've also been able to encourage some of the ladies here along the way. I love that.I'm attacking every day with everything I have. I'm doing all I know to do to be well. I want to be home.Anyway, I just felt badly for all the negative I shared and want you to know there's also a lot of good. God is showing me new things every day. I've had some really great times with Him these last three weeks!I took a picture of my journal entry this morning. I thought you might want to see how God used you. I love the little details God gives attention to which mean such big things in our hearts.I love you, dear friend. Your encouragement and support are just beyond words of description. I'm so thankful for you!I love you,Amie
September 18, 2016
Ugh...weekends at treatment bring out the worst in me. I guess I just need to be extra thankful for the weekdays. I miss my family so, and this church makes me miss FBC Jax so much. I don't feel like I'm taking any steps towards recovery on weekends. I'm hoping that labs and individual sessions are blocked over experiential groups this week. Please Lord!I'm still really struggling with the body image and weight increase. :(Thankfully we had a group with Ms. Grove tonight. She did a session on excuses. We talked for two hours.It was such an encouragement to me since the whole weekend has been so unproductive. I really appreciate her insights and the time she takes to interact with us and her direct approach. My husband was emotional on the phone tonight. He was on his way home and he still had laundry to do when he got there. I wish I was there to help him. I'm so very thankful for how supportive he is. I love him so!