Lurking Within Me
eating disorder recovery, kill the eating disorder, anorexia recovery, how to help someone with an eating disorder, eating disorder awareness, eating disorder quotes
{TW: Restriction/Weight Loss}It's a blustery 32* outside this morning, and it's not supposed to get much warmer. I live in Florida, and that's entirely too cold!!!I'm looking out my window at a cross in my yard (more about that later) thinking about how much has transpired since I last posted.I've had so many messages from people checking in with me and asking for a new blog post. Your encouragement means more than you could ever know. Thank you! I pray that God is using this to help as much in the lives of others as He is in mine."Christmas in Recovery." As I think about what I wrote at the beginning of the season, I remember my intentions being so good. I was truly very grateful for how the Lord had carried me through the year and brought such healing. I knew the holidays would be difficult. I armed up as best I knew how.But then Christmas and New Year's blew in with all their wonderfulness and busyness. I avidly jumped into the gust with all of those good intentions in check.The holidays brought some lovely experiences.The extra gleam in the little ones' eyes put an extra sparkle in mine.Vacation days brought even more time to spend with a pretty special friend. I love that she lives just down the road.The Elf came to our house this year for the first time. So fun. *Except when you ask your oldest to take care of it one night.*
My younger two were involved in Christmas musicals at church. The youngest and his friend had solos. So sweet!!
My oldest two participated in "Christmas Spectacular" at church with me.
It seemed there were Christmas parties all through the weeks at one place or another. We had a birthday party thrown in there, too. How on earth is my youngest seven?!?!
My husband was able to take some much deserved time off to spend at home with us.I had an excuse to bake, which I love to do.Oh and the decorating!!We went to church as a family on Christmas Eve to hear the Christmas story and spend some time intentionally reflecting on the beauty of the reason for the season.We spent Christmas Eve evening at home celebrating with our dear friends who are really more family than they are friends. It was so, so special to be with them.
I was able to realize a silly dream I'd had for years and years - family Christmas pajamas! We even found matching pj's for the dog. And I was honored to help plan a baby shower for a friend what seemed to be right after Christmas.
For all of these reasons and many more, I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!As wonderful as all of these things were, woven between the times of celebration were also times of difficulty. It's a result of living in this fallen, broken world. It's unfortunate that we all know this far too well.Early in the season came some unexpected news with work.I received a long letter about my blog and what I'm posting which drug up so much from the past.We experienced several heartbreaking issues within our family which are far too personal to those members to post.And there were some extreme relational challenges.Without any conscious decision, each time of difficulty left me looking more and more to the eating disorder for help.So while entering the season missing an exchange here and there, I ever so slightly began to make excuses in my mind - without realizing I was making excuses - for missing a few more exchanges along the way. That turned into missing exchanges at every meal, which eventually morphed into missing complete meals.If you've never struggled with an eating disorder, you probably think I'm crazy. I realize it does sound pretty ludicrous that it would be so slight that it's indiscernible.To be honest, I think it's crazy, too. But it's real.Looking back, I can certainly see it. But in the moment - nope.When you miss a lot of exchanges, it takes your body back to that place where you feel lots of adrenaline. You feel like you're floating above issues and are not really touching down in the muck. It's so easy to push things out of your mind so you don't have to think about them or experience the feelings.And for me, I feel more like "myself." I'm lighthearted. I'm happy. My sense of humor is back. I'm getting lots done. I have energy.... Lots of good and "helpful" things.When you learn about the difficult things that break your heart, you of course are stopped cold in your tracks. You leave that world of contentedness and productivity. You feel like someone has thrown water in your face. You cry. You hurt. You panic.And once it sets in, it's almost as if your mind subconsciously shifts and sees how quickly it can get back to that comfortable place where you don't really have to feel all of those awful, uncomfortable things. You can just push the thoughts aside, along with the feelings that accompany those thoughts.And it's amazing how quickly it can get back there when you're in the place of missing a good number of exchanges.As long as you continue to miss exchanges or meals, you can stay there.There's just something really sobering about having to sit down to "completeness." Where you've met every exchange. It's that cold water in your face again.So your mind stays far away from it. You only do it when you have to. And completeness here and there allows you to quickly return to that happy place. It's the consistency of completeness that brings it crashing down.I promise I know how conflicting it sounds, but I don't really think these things in the moment. It's almost like a routine that my body has figured out "helps" for over 20 years now. It seems like it makes that shift, and it feels so normal to me that I don't even recognize it.And unfortunately, it works. So it's subconsciously reinforced.All of these things I can see clearly now, but it was pretty foggy up until last week.Let me back up. A couple of weeks ago, my sweet friend was at my house. She was letting me help her plan an event. I love that kind of thing.As we were wrapping up, she asked, pretty much out of the blue, how I was doing with food. She said we hadn't talked about it in a while, but she was worried. She could see in my face that I'd lost weight. She knew it was hard to hear, but she loved me enough to tell me.The eating disorder rejoiced for a quick second. Just the thought felt so safe. But I'm far enough into recovery that I caught it and called it. This was not a rejoicing matter.My husband had been telling me the same thing over the last couple of weeks. I knew this was not good.I can't lose weight, not even just a little bit. Even though it's not really about losing weight for me, it's a visible indication that I'm not following my meal plan. That's when my mental health could be compromised, and the physical health is not far behind. The eating disorder sets into a dangerous downward cycle very quickly. Before long, my brain is in starvation mode, and it no longer is able to think clearly. That cannot happen again.I knew that it was not OK. And there was certainly nothing to be happy about here.That reality made my eyes sting with tears.I recalled the pants I'd put on a few days ago. I noticed how they were more loose than they'd been before, but I had quickly pushed that out of my mind. I was sure I was fine.But there was that cold water in the face again, bringing reality sharply into focus.And sitting here reflecting on that moment and what happened next, I'm surprised to remember that I took a deep breath to push the tears away and tried my best to change the subject without it being noticed. ED's pretty slick.I tried hard to not think about it and move on. It usually worked. But this time, lingering in the back of my mind was the oppressive acknowledgement that I was in trouble.I'd not seen my dietician in over two weeks because of the holidays, but I had an appointment to return that Tuesday. I knew it probably wasn't going to go well.Sunday night after church, I went to dinner with my sweet friend and her family. I'd been thinking all afternoon about the "place" I was in. I knew, as comfortable as I felt, that I had to get back on track quickly. And I had to acknowledge that I needed help.I worked up the courage to ask my friend to go with me to my appointment. I knew I needed someone to hear what my dietician said alongside me so that my mind didn't twist it. Happens often in recovery, unfortunately. She graciously agreed to go.My dietician has such a sweet spirit. But even through her sweetness, there was still a sense of great concern and disapproval of present behaviors that required immediate change.I fought the tears so hard. I was panicked. I knew I was in trouble, and I didn't know what to do. I agreed to make changes, but I wasn't sure I could just turn around and do it.I left there to go meet with my therapist. My friend went with me, and we relayed the information to him from the dietician.He is always extremely kind as well. And with kindness and love, he shared the truth about my responsibility in all of this. I was not following God's plan for my life. I had the tools I needed to recover, and I was pushing them aside to follow my own interests rather than following the way God planned for me to live. I was choosing eating disorder behaviors instead of Him. That's sin.He also talked about surrender, and how we sometimes say we're giving something to the Lord, but we're still holding onto part of it. I heard him, but dismissed it in my mind pretty quickly. I'd surrendered the eating disorder to God months ago at treatment. Finally, he said that I needed to run hard after God. To pursue Him even more than I pursue meeting exchanges.I remember walking out feeling pretty down. I knew He was right, but I didn't know what to do. I did know I had to do something.I picked up the kids and started cooking dinner. I realized I had never eaten lunch, even amidst all the support and serious discussions.Yep. I was pretty hopeless. I knew in my heart that if there's no hope, then Jesus is dead. But He's not dead, so there's always hope. Pastor Heath said this in a message one Sunday night months ago, and it often runs through my head.But it sure was hard to see the hope.The next morning, I took the kids to school and came back home.It was quiet. I was alone. I got my Bible and sat in a chair next to the fireplace.I started reading. I tried several different chapters, but I just didn't feel like anything was connecting.So I closed my Bible and started talking to God, out loud.I don't know that I've ever been more honest with Him.I can't say I'm proud of everything I said. It was pretty self-centered. Why would He continue to allow such awful things to happen to my family? Why wouldn't He intervene? Why couldn't this be easier? What in the world was I supposed to do with my life?And through bitter tears, I asked Him why He would not take this horrible eating disorder. I had given it to Him at treatment and since then many times. Why wouldn't He just take it?? I was done with it - so over all of it.I begged Him, again, in frustration and hurt and exhaustion, to take it.And then the Lord brought part of my session with my therapist from the day before to my mind. Sometimes we think we're surrendering something, and our intentions are good, but we're still holding onto a portion of it because we're afraid to give every bit of it.No, God. I gave it to You. I gave all of it to You. I even made a Surrender Box, remember??? You just won't take it.Even as I spoke the words, I knew in my heart He was telling me I hadn't. I reminded Him of the time at treatment when I told Him I was surrendering the eating disorder to Him. Of the many times at home when I had given it to Him.But did you give me all of it, or are you still holding onto a part of it to use just in case I don't come through or it just gets too tough? Or to have just a taste of every now and then?I heard those words in my heart, and I also realized I was gripping my pen hard in my fist, holding it closely to my body.I looked down at my hand. I could feel that my fist was tired. This whole time I'd been trying to "convince God" that I'd given the eating disorder to Him, I'd been tightening my grip.I knew in that moment that I was still holding onto a piece of the eating disorder.I also knew in that same moment that I needed to let it go. For good.And with that realization, I was stricken with fear, knowing what that would really mean. It had to be gone forever. I could never, ever return to it, even just for a little help when it was really, really hard.There was a time in my recovery when I couldn't have done that. I was too sick. But I wasn't in that place anymore. There was no excuse I could give. Not one.Oh God, I just can't! What about times like these last few weeks when I really need it to get me through the hurt?!?! It helps SO MUCH. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. ... The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.But it feels so good. I like to be productive and energetic, and I don't want to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and emotions. It hurts too much and feels awful. I won't be able to take it. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.But the thought of never returning to it scares me. It's been a close friend to me. It's comfortable. It feels so familiar....like a warm blanket. I will miss it. One who has unreliable friends comes to ruin. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I have called you friends.What if I really can't take the emotions. What if I really just can't get through it??? And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace will strengthen and establish you. It seemed like each time I raised a reason I could give God most of it but not all of it, He brought to mind a treasured portion of Scripture I'd hidden in my heart through the years.Unfortunately, it didn't end there. I adamantly insisted that I just couldn't. I gave Him most of it. I was not in the place I was before that lead to treatment. I was fine like this. And I was holding just enough to get me through the worst of times. I wasn't going to hold it forever. And He had most of it...On and on and on I argued. On and on and on I cried. Ugly cried. I never let go of my grip on that stupid pen. I couldn't have been holding it more closely to my chest.While I argued out loud with God, the war within me continued to swell. Oh how I needed this comfort. Oh what panic and sadness ensue me when I think of never - ever - being able to go back to it.But - - - oh how I loved the Lord and wanted to follow His plan for my life. Oh how I wanted to be free. Oh how I knew full well that there's no better place to be than right in the middle of God's plan for my life.And I wasn't in the middle of God's plan for my life. I was gripping tightly to my escape so that I could follow God's plan in every way until I just couldn't do it any more. Then I had my reliable coping method....just in case.It really was agonizing. The tears continued. There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.I stopped arguing. I dropped my pen, held my head in my hands, and just cried.I knew I had to fully surrender the eating disorder to God. I knew it.In that acknowledgement, the sadness was almost overwhelming. Goodness, my heart hurt so much. It felt like someone was dying, and I had to say goodbye. Forever.Why was this so hard???I remember looking up with one last plea to the Lord. But it was confirmed in my heart it had to go. My body was bought with a price. It was not mine to hold, no matter the feelings.I lifted my arms and opened my hands and told God I was giving Him all of it. Every part of it. I wanted to surrender every facet of the eating disorder to Him.I wish I could say that I felt a weight lifted off of me. That everything changed in that moment.But I can't. Maybe I should have been able to, but it just didn't happen.I was more sad than I know how to explain. I was somber. I felt loss. And it hurt so deeply.I'm sure that sounds crazy, too. But I did. And even as I type this now, the tears are streaming. I still hurts so badly.But I also knew that this was real, this surrender. Although I truly believed I'd surrendered it several times in the past, this time felt much, much different than any of those times. This was it. It was fully surrendered.As I sat crying, staring at the fire in the fireplace, I wondered what was next. LI really just wanted to sit there and cry all day. If I'm really honest, I kind of wanted to take it back.In my heart, I knew I had done the right thing. And more than anything, I knew I loved Jesus and wanted His plan for my life. So in spite of my feelings, I held onto that truth.I thought of the verse in Colossians that talks about putting to death those things of earthly nature that just fester within us. I wasn't dealing with any of the things that were listed after that verse. But I for certain had something festering within me.I went to look up the verse. Some versions said dwelling. Some said lurking. Some said belong. So I must have made up the fester, but it sure seemed appropriate.My favorite version is this: "So put to death the earthly things lurking within you." Colossians 3:5.Lurking. That word seemed very appropriate, too.I decided I needed something tangible. Something I could remember. Something that would signify my full surrender of the eating disorder to the Lord.I went to find a little box. I labeled it Eating Disorder. My hands were still shaking. It was hard to even write, because the tears were still streaming.Then I wrote the verse underneath the Eating Disorder. I was putting it to death.I got a piece of paper and cut strips. On each piece, I wrote a need that the eating disorder met for me. The reasons why I leaned on the eating disorder. All the ways it had been a "friend" to me.I read them out loud to God, and told Him from now on, I was going to do my best to look to Him to meet these needs and learn to be better about asking others for help. I would no longer look to the eating disorder.I decided I was going to take pictures of the process so that I could go back and look on the days I was tempted to engage just a little tiny bit (miss an exchange, refuse to deal with emotions, etc.)I picked those strips up, one by one, read them one last time, and then folded them to place in the box.When they were all in the box, I put the lid on and tied a string around it.Then I wanted to bury it. That's what you do when something/someone dies.I went out to the garage to look for a shovel. I could not find the stinkin' thing. I looked everywhere.So I improvised. I got my metal kitchen spoon and took the box outside. I found a place that would be visible from the window by the table where I sit to eat meals, and I dug a hole.I placed the box in the hole and just sat there for a minute staring at it.The tears continued, and I just let them fall.After some time, I filled the hole with the dirt. That made me cry harder.I wanted a marker to be able to see from the window. So I found two sticks and tied them together to make a cross. As I shoved it into the ground, I told God that this cross would signify my dependence upon Him to meet all of my needs rather than digging up the eating disorder.And then I just sat in the grass. I don't know why. But I just stared at it and continued to cry. I have no idea how long I sat there.Finally, I dried up my tears and went in the house.It was lunch time. So I prepared my complete lunch, with every exchange satisfied, and sat at my place at the table to eat.And (you know me) the tears came again. But I kept looking to the cross with every bite, and I finished it, in spite of the emotions.Like I said, it's been 8 days since I surrendered it for good. I've met every exchange at every meal. I have used Clifbars for a couple of meals, but they met the exchanges. Some meals are not so bad. Some are so horribly difficult. But God gives me what I need. Every time.It's only been 8 days, I know. But I promise - it's different this time.I realize that there will be multiple times each day when I have to continue surrendering it to Christ. He gives us a choice. Although He doesn't want me to, I can go back to it. That's an option.But by God's grace and through His strength, I will not.I am tempted greatly and very often. God never promised to take that away. But in those moments, I can grip truth. I still have seasons of crying, because I do miss it. But I am holding onto the promise that nothing can satisfy my soul like Jesus. Feelings aren't always true, and they will change.I will choose the life that God has planned for me, even on the hardest of days.And even though this feels so awful right now, I have this little blanket of peace wrapped around my hurting heart. I made the right decision. And I can trust the One who is sovereign over all of it.I am a sinner. So unfortunately, that means that there are many things lurking within me of earthly nature that need to be put to death. This was the thing lurking that was controlling my life. Eventually, it would have taken my life if I continued to lean into it.So putting it to death was a huge "marker" in my life.Right now, I am praying for each one of you who are so sweet to read these words. I may know you, but I'm sure there are some of you that I don't know. You're probably a pretty great person. I know you are very loved. God cherishes you.But you still have things lurking within you of earthly nature. For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.I'm praying that God reveals to you something in your life that you need to put to death. Maybe you don't struggle with an eating disorder, but you do struggle with something. God wants you to give it to Him.If you do have an eating disorder and this seems completely impossible to you, no matter how much you so desperately want to do it, it's likely you need a greater level of support to get you to a place where you can make this decision. Residential treatment is a wonderful place to do this. God used those dear people there to save my life. Perhaps you're reading this, and it all sounds really great, but you're wondering a lot of things about this Jesus. I want you to know He loves you. He loved you enough to die for your sin so that you can live eternally with Him. I would SO love to tell you more about this Jesus and His plan for your life. Please message or call me! So I'm praying for you in ALL of this, no matter where you find yourself. It's not easy to share a struggle, but it is so helpful to know you are not alone and that you are being lifted in prayer by name to the Father.If I could be that person for you, I'd count it an honor. You can contact me through my website or message me through Facebook. Please let me know how I can pray for you. I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether I should post pictures of my putting to death the eating disorder. I'm going to do it, praying that it helps you or someone else to put to death what's lurking within you. And you certainly don't have to physically bury it. It's just something concrete I needed to hold onto. But I encourage you to do something to signify your surrendering of those things to God that are taking over your life. He is for you. And His plans are so much better than ours.