Bringing All The Brokenness: When Eating Disorder Recovery Is Ugly And You Want The World To See Rosy
My psychologist liked my post last week and gave me an assignment this week to write another post.All week long, I've been waiting for the epiphany to come to me. I really wanted to blog about a great break through, a new truth, an encouraging word...But the epiphany never came.I got this feeling in my gut that maybe it's a week I just need to write about where I am. My brain argued that no one really wants to hear about that. And maybe you don't. That's OK. I don't like where I am either. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm here.I'm actually having a really tough week.There's a part of me that flinches as I type those words, because I don't want anyone to know. I don't like admitting it. I don't like feeling it. It feels whiney and wrong. It feels selfish. Every part of it is uncomfortable. I want to steadily continue making great steps down this road of recovery. I just want to smile and be "fine."But then I went back and read my own words from Recovery Realities. I want what's not possible. Because recovery is so far from steady and perfect. And this is just one of those hard, hard weeks.Last Thursday evening and through the day on Friday, I could feel the negative emotions rising. I'm challenging my thoughts with truth, but the emotions are just not cooperating.My anxiety is higher than it's ever been, and I don't know why.I'm tired of fighting, but I know I can't quit.I feel alone, even though there are people all around me.I feel overwhelmed and have no reason to be.I feel like everyone is upset with me, but I couldn't tell you why.I am ridiculously emotional. I mean, you have no idea.I feel like I'm burdensome.And to say I HATE FEELING THIS WAY is an understatement. I'd kind of like to scream that right now, and I'm not a screamer.I don't like to feel strong emotions. At all. I especially don't like to feel them when I'm with other people. Especially when I cry. It's so much easier to just shove them down and put on a smile than to actually deal with them.I'm really, really good at that and do it pretty much without even thinking. I've been practicing my whole life.My therapist was able to put some pieces together yesterday and wondered if feeling and showing emotions makes me feel raw and exposed - the way I felt in previous life experiences. As I thought about that, my stomach began to ache and tears flooded my eyes. I think it might.I don't think it stops with me, either. When those that I love are feeling strong negative emotions, I feel panicked. My mind begins to race with thoughts of what I could do to fix it. I'm desperate to fix it so their negative emotions go away. And if I've caused those negative emotions.....it's horrible. I cannot be OK with that. I'll analyze it for days and sometimes weeks so that I never do it again.I know from sessions at treatment that when we shove down negative emotions, we can't fully experience the positive ones. I think I'd be OK with that. I'm good with just partially feeling positive emotions if I can still dull or ignore the negative ones.But I also learned from those sessions at residential treatment that it's not OK to do that. It's not healthy. It keeps me stuck in the eating disorder, because one of the primary purposes the eating disorder serves for me is to numb emotions. God didn't plan for us to ignore them, shove them down, and put on a happy face in front of others to pretend that everything is grand. After all, didn't He create the emotions within us?This is a really big one for me. Everything in me resists feeling those strong emotions. I'm trusting my therapy team to help me work through that. There's a lot to think about with the raw and exposed feelings, currently and relating to past experiences. It can't be fixed in a day, but I know they'll support me while I walk through this.My therapist also reminded me that pushing down/covering emotions is not really bringing your brokenness. {sigh} I guess it's not. And bringing part of your brokenness does not line up with the reasons for which I began this blog. I guess I still have a lot of work to do with being vulnerable, too.So God, here it is. All my brokenness this week. I'm anxious, I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm hurting, I'm overwhelmed, I feel burdensome, and I am so emotional. And these feelings are so strong right now. I don't like it. I do not want to feel these emotions. And I REALLY don't like not being able to control them. It feels so much better to just float above them and not really feel them.But if You created the emotions within us, I have to acknowledge that they must serve a purpose. Maybe I have these feelings for a reason.My sweet friend reminded me today that feelings change. You can't always trust them. But we can trust the One who created them.And I do trust Him. I guess He must have planned for me to feel them or He wouldn't have given us truths about what to do in those times. Here are some of the things He has to say about what I'm feeling this week.ANXIETY
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." Psalm 94:19
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7
WEARINESS
"When you've done everything you can do, that's when God will step in and do what you can't do." II Corinthians 12:10
"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28-30
WORRY
"Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid." John 14:27
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
HURT
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
OVERWHELMED
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
BURDENSOME
"Bare one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2
Still working on this one...
TEARS
"You have kept count of my tossing; put my tears in your bottle." Psalm 56:8
"Jesus wept." John 11:35
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
"To everything there is a season....A time to weep...." Ecclesiastes 3:4
These verses don't take all the negative emotions away, but focusing my thoughts on them sure does help my soul to find some rest. I don't like to feel these strong emotions. I don't understand why I've had such a struggle with them this week. But I do know the One who created them, and I know He loves me and will never leave me. Therefore, I trust I will make it through them. I will survive. And I can keep my eyes on Him through the valley.I'm sorry. This isn't the kind of post I like to write. But it's what recovery really looks like - it's not always full of break through moments. This is my brokenness. And God wants us to gather it all up and give it to Him.I know I can't lose sight of the recovered life God's planned for me. It's simply a bad week with difficult feelings. But feelings change, and I'm still pressing forward.Maybe you've just had a bad week, too. Don't lose sight of the beautiful things ahead of you that God has planned. I'm reminding myself tonight that it's ok to be broken. And it's OK for you, too. As long as we keep our eyes on Him, trust His truths, and keep walking in faith.If I can pray for you in your brokenness, please let me know. I would love to pray for you. And there's healing in sharing.God tells us in the Psalms that He is near to the brokenhearted. In our brokenness, He is near. And even with my brokenness, this promise brings me peace.