Treatment Truths Take-Two: Week 3
February 6, 2017
The schedule is pretty good today! Yay!We have a patient here who is prone to angry outbursts. It scares me. I try to steer clear.Last night, this patient had another outburst and went off on one of the therapists. It was completely unnecessary and over the top. I know it had to have been quite hurtful to the therapist.My friend from Canada spoke up and said she didn't think the therapist deserved that, but the patient just kept going.My anxiety, as typical for when someone is upset, went completely through the roof. I wanted to go to the Pink Room, but I didn't want to leave the therapist, and I didn't want to make the patient even more angry. So I just sat still and quietly.Ms. Freeman said we're going to have a Community Group about it because it keeps happening.Oh mercy. That makes me nervous. I don't want anyone to be upset.Mrs. Gamin brought it up in our individual session today. She wanted to know if I was going to speak up for the group. I told her I think I've come to a place where I could do it on a professional level, for the sake of the therapists and other patients.Mrs. Gamin said she's not OK with that. The team could handle themselves. But it had been noted that these outbursts are troubling to me. It would be more therapeutic for me to do it because I was uncomfortable with the conflict and felt unsafe rather than do it for other people.I just don't know if I can do that. It's just not worth it to me.We also talked about childhood years. She asked what it would mean for me to acknowledge there was abuse. I didn't really know how to answer. I offered that it belittles the term for those who have been through much worse. It disqualifies the positive. And it would make me certain that I had exaggerated/communicated events poorly.I also shared that one of my pet peeves for therapists is that many overuse "childhood" as a reason for every problem.She understood what I was saying and used an analogy involving ADD. She said the more this diagnosis was made known, the more it was used. It quickly escalated to a place where many professionals slapped this label on children and over-medicated them for a condition that wasn't present for the child. It was overused.But that didn't and doesn't mean that ADD doesn't really exist and some children don't really have it. That made a lot of sense to me.I told Mrs. Gamin about the letter I texted to my home therapist. She was very glad I sent it and in complete agreement with his response.I also told her that I was worried about family sessions. I just don't know if now is a good time to talk with my husband about our challenges. He's at home carrying the full load for our family. He's tired, burdened, stressed... He has way too much on his plate. I don't think it's fair to do that right now.Mrs. Gamin disagreed. She understood what I was saying and said we would navigate all of that very carefully. But she believes it is best to address some of these things while I am here.Finally, Mrs. Gamin wanted to talk about medication. The team still wants me to add Abilify to the Zoloft I'm taking. But it's an antipsychotic drug. That's scary. I've also heard that it makes pretty much everyone gain weight. That's the last worry I need. Once my weight is restored, I'd be horrified if it just continued to climb.So I asked for more time to think it through.Ahhhh!!! I just found out my home therapist and precious friend are coming to see me this Friday!!! I CAN'T WAIT to see them! But goodness I feel guilty. It takes almost three hours just to get here, plus three hours with me, then almost three hours home. That's all day. But oh my, it will be SO GOOD to see them. I'm so thankful for their sacrifice.Well, I just had an individual session with Ms. Hedrick. Recently, every time I've seen her, it's resulted in a meal increase. Today was no exception.I want so badly to trust. Oh so much. But this is one of those times when it's so hard. I don't trust the "range" and their time table for weight gain.I did politely push back. She kind of talked in circles for a while and never directly answered my questions. At the end of the day, she said it is what it is. I have to follow the plan. I just wish I could trust the range.
February 7, 2017
Happy Birthday to my oldest! But, oh, heartache. How I wish I was there with you to celebrate this big one. Eighteen years - how could that be possible?? It doesn't even seem real.I have so many regrets and would do anything to make them all right. Being here is my biggest regret. I'm so sorry.I do love you more than you'll ever know, and I'm so incredibly proud of you.I'm sitting in the doctor's office right now and want to scream. I've been sitting here for an hour and was just called back to see him. So then we'll have to wait for the new patient to finish and both of us to have blood drawn. Meanwhile, I'm missing an entire morning of groups. Lunch will now be late, which may throw off some of our afternoon. So we miss a half-day of therapy to sit here and wait. INFURIATING. It's really not OK.Mrs. Daugette's session was the only session I had today, and it was difficult. We went right back to where we left off on Friday with her assignment for me to think about what it would mean to accept the abuse in my past and acknowledge that it wasn't my fault.When it got really uncomfortable, I remember swallowing and thinking, "I don't want to think about this anymore."Mrs. Daugette lowered her head and said, "I just saw you push something down. Tell me about that, please."It was actually a little freaky. Note to self - cover your expressions more carefully.But I really don't want to think about it anymore. I don't know that I'll ever be able to accept it as truth when every part of my being tells me it's not.Mrs. Daugette gave me an article entitled, "Not Only Shouting: Different Types of Emotional Abuse." She asked me to read it to see if anything resonates with me.I've had a few thoughts this afternoon that I just need to go home. I'm really worried about our family session. My husband just has too much on him. Also, if emotional/sexual abuse are the roots of my eating disorder, then I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make any progress since I know deep down that it wasn't abuse. And I don't want to think about difficult incidents. I just want to hold my head right now and close my eyes. And - I don't want to feel my pants getting tighter by the minute. I don't know if I can do this.The afternoon and evening have intensified my feelings. I've been weepy all night. I'm super sensitive. And my heart hurts for my family tonight. I miss them so badly.I'm broken-hearted to not be there for my oldest son's birthday. I couldn't wait to see all of them tonight. But when I had my Mom Call (FaceTime), they were at a restaurant celebrating. The cook came to their table just as he answered, so of course I couldn't keep him. And I blubbered like an idiot.It made my heart hurt even more to see him and have that visual reminder that I'm not there to celebrate with them. I feel so far away from all of them right now.I really needed to see my husband's face tonight, too. For the first time since I decided to come back to treatment, I'm not sure I am going to be able to do this. But I don't want to disappoint my family.Even though I feel so selfish for saying this, I don't want to die. I want to live; I want to choose life. But I just don't know if I can.How are they going to be able to help me if they see things that I don't because I'm not explaining things correctly? How can I survive the feelings I have when we have to talk about difficult memories? I feel like it's impossible on top of my inflating body changing every day.Mrs. Daugette said that when I do come to realize and acknowledge what really happened, it's going to hurt really badly. Probably more than anything in my life has ever hurt before. She said that even though it will hurt deeply, I have many loving, supportive people who are going to crawl down in that pit with me and help me through it.And when I thought of the amazing team God has placed around me and the way they tirelessly, patiently put up with all this yuckiness, it made me cry. I'm truly, TRULY grateful for each of them - my husband, my children, my friend, my home therapist, Ms. Freeman, Mrs. Gamin, Mrs. Daugette...I so wish I could get my crud together. They deserve to be able to move on to better things.Tonight, when we processed dinner, I tried to say I had no struggles, but Ms. Grove didn't believe me. I admitted I struggled. Somewhere in her challenging me, she said, "You've been here long enough to know..." and it hurt. I'm sure she didn't mean for it to, but it did. When am I ever going to learn. I feel like that was a back door way of saying you've been here too long to still feel like this, and they're all getting tired of it.I just finished evening snack. I officially started supplements. On top of my first joy food at Snack I and along with the 2 sugar cookies and 3 prunes at evening snack, I got to add 1/2c yogurt and a Clifbar. Dear Lord help. I'm already seeing changes to my body without supplements. I hate this so much.I've been so emotional all afternoon and evening. I hate crying. I hate it more when I don't even know all the reasons I'm crying. The article Mrs. Daugette gave me to read is really upsetting. I think I need to take my sleep meds and go to bed.
February 8, 2017
This morning as I was reading my devotional about the love of God, I thought a lot about my relationship with Him. Recently, I've been very aware of this "block" I feel between us. I know I'm saved. I know He loves me. But I feel so much shame and like there's just something there.I'm reading a book Mrs. Gamin recommended, and one of the things it talks about is the way we view God being wrapped up in our earliest experiences. The father that raised me was a Pastor. But he wasn't my only father-figure. No one is perfect, of course, but there were lots of conflicting things that happened in my childhood years, on both sides of the family. I just wonder if this somehow skewed the way I understand the way that God sees me, because of the big "mess" within my family. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or if there's any truth to it, but it's on my mind this morning.My session with Mrs. Gamin was an extension of what we talked about on Monday and what Mrs. Daugette and I are working on. She gave me an exercise that I think will be helpful. I'm to take my timeline that I wrote out and write down my "takeaways" from each difficult experience.We also discussed the way I feel about my body and how that affects me wanting to remain "thin." It's more about security and comfort than it is about size, perhaps, because of my experiences.She used the analogy/study done decades ago with Baby Alfred and Pink Bunny. (This was obviously long before laws were put in place to protect babies from things like this!) They showed Alfred a pink bunny and would simultaneously make a loud and startling noise. They did this over and over again until all they had to do was present the pink bunny and that would cause Alfred to be startled/jump/cry (so pitiful!)There wasn't anything about the pink bunny that was scary. But he had been conditioned to believe the pink bunny was the cause/connected to the scare.Then they "unconditioned" him by showing Pink Bunny without the startling noise. Over time, he was able to see the pink bunny and not be startled.Mrs. Gamin believes the same has happened with my body.She also said that instead of the tug of war, back and forth over whether the events in my past were traumatic or abusive, we would just work on the "takeaways" from each one and the way they may have shaped the way I feel about myself today. I feel like that will be much easier.I've had a nagging headache all day. I took two Advil over an hour ago, and I don't think it's touched it. It's hard to think about things like this with your head slamming.Mrs. Daugette asked me if I had a minute to talk to her after I had phone time today. We sat on the porch rocking chairs. She wanted to check in with me to see what I thought about the worksheets on emotional abuse she had given me yesterday.I told her that some of the descriptions resonated with me, but several did not. I thought you had to meet each indicator in order for it to be classified as abuse. She said that this article lists all kinds of emotional abuse, but even one category is still considered abuse.I told Mrs. Daugette about my difficult night last night. I know part of it was because of my oldest son's birthday, but I know it was more than that.I shared how I had some new thoughts about things that fit into the abuse categories that I hadn't thought about in a really long time. One of the hardest memories was watching through a classroom window my brother being chased around and beaten with a belt. I just stood there. I didn't go in and try to stop it and help him. I just watched in horror.Mrs. Daugette tried to reassure me that I was in the eighth grade. It wasn't my job to stop it. It was probably good that I didn't enter the room, because it may have escalated.Even though I'd pushed this out of my mind for so long, the guilt and shame were right there waiting for me when the memory surfaced again. Mrs. Daugette insists I'm not responsible. I hope that is true.There's so much for which I feel responsible when it comes to my little brother. When you go through something like an abduction - twice - I guess it forms a really special bond.But I knew even from a really young age that I was going to have to protect him. After we were brought back to Virginia, I remember him being afraid, crying, and crawling into bed with me. I just held him and promised him I would always take care of him. How many times did I miss when I could have protected him, though?When I look back even to that time, I have a lot of guilt for even placing him in that situation, where he would have to be crying in bed because his little world was in pieces.During the second abduction, some men were sent to my elementary school to get me. I remember my first grade teacher coming to me, crying, telling me these men were here to take me. She said I had to go with them, and everything was going to be OK.The men asked me to tell them where my brother was. I recall feeling uncertain about all of it, so I gave them directions to my dad's place of work. When they pulled in, they asked if I was sure my brother was here. I told them no, but we needed to check with my dad first to be sure it was OK. They assured me they'd already checked with him and turned the car around and asked me again to show them where my brother was.And I did. I gave them directions. I showed them where to find my little brother.I will ALWAYS wonder how different his life may have been had he not experienced the trauma in this way. What if I wouldn't have shown them? Surely our mother wouldn't have just taken me. Maybe she would have waited for the legal system to address the issue, establish visitation, and go through the process in a healthy way rather than being uprooted and having his world turned completely upside down.But we'll never know, because I did tell them.Mrs. Daugette said I did what most children would do - I obeyed my authorities. My teacher had given the men authority, and I was trusting my teacher. She said it was actually quite intuitive of me to even think to direct them to my father's workplace. She reiterated over and over that I have to forgive myself for not knowing what I know until I learned it. I was 6.5 years old and can't be expected to have handled that like a 41 year old woman.I was getting more and more upset. I drew a deep breath and tried to put it out of my mind. Mrs. Daugette asked what the sigh was for, and I told her I didn't want to think about it anymore.Mrs. Daugette said I could do that for now, but we would definitely have to come back to it. It's the only way to heal. She reminded me it's going to hurt really badly, but I have lots of support to help me through.Then she asked if she could give me a hug. She held me tight and told me I was so loved. It meant SO MUCH to me that she cared enough to pull me aside to talk to me and love me. So much.
February 9, 2017
Today has been a decent day. I was excited to hear that I had a session with Ms. Freeman this afternoon.We talked about a healthy body image versus where I am now. I shared that I felt safe when I was thin, and she wanted me to talk more about that.So we "dissected" safe for a bit. We established that I felt physically safe. I had no concerns about physical abuse. We talked about past experiences and what Mrs. Gamin had explained.From an emotional standpoint, I do have a tendency to walk around on eggshells around some people. We discussed how family dynamics and relationships have had an effect on my older children.Ms. Freeman pointed out that our children are watching my husband and me in the way we communicate with others and the way we handle what's being communicated to us. We are teaching them what is OK and what is not OK whether or not we realize it. What are we teaching them by our actions?I'd never really thought of it in that light, but it's kind of terrifying! We've got to figure out some way to establish healthy boundaries.Ms. Freeman suggested that we have a family meeting and find out ways we can help one another feel safe in different settings. We could check in with everyone and see what bothers them, what they appreciate, etc., and write it all out, posting it somewhere in plain view. We are a team, and we can protect one another.DANG IT. Ms. Hedrick just told me that my meal plan is increasing again. She's adding another yogurt and Clifbar to snack. I HATE that they mean faster weight gain.Mrs. Daugette always reminds me they also stand for life and health and returning to my family. I want all of those. But I don't want to gain the weight. Please help me, Lord!I just sat down to do my homework for today. I noticed for the third day in a row, the "Feelings" section has been especially difficult. My brain does that brakes/backing up thing, like it's just not going there. I'm unsure of what the dread is now.Ms. Freeman said we have group with her in the morning, and I'm excited about that. And I'm VERY EXCITED about my friend and home therapist's visit."I am fat" is an extreme form of labeling and makes as much sense as saying, "I am arms." You could say that I have an excessive amount of body fat if that is the case, but you are not "fat." You are so much more. -Mrs. Daugette
February 10, 2017
I just returned from a wonderful off-campus visit with my precious friend and home therapist. My heart needed it so badly, worse than I knew.Sometimes I really can't believe she's MY friend. I'm so underserving, but boy am I grateful. And the same with my therapist. He's never given up on me. Even when others said there was nothing else they could do, he kept helping. And they both gave up their day to come see me.It was so good to be able to sit down and just laugh and cry a little bit with both of them. I got to feel almost normal for a few minutes.We talked about the letter he'd sent in response to my text and how helpful it was. I think I forgot to thank him for taking the time to do that for me. Shoot.I explained I was just overwhelmed by so many things. I shared Mrs. Gamin's assignment of working through traumatic events and defining "takeaways" from each. I can work on them for a few minutes, but then my mind just shuts down.I get really anxious about individual sessions, wondering what we'll talk about. I'm thankful for them, but they're so hard.My therapist and friend talked about how my reality is so NOT normal that it's difficult for me to believe those whose sense of reality is the norm. They understand why it's difficult but continued to encourage me to let go and trust.We talked a little bit about the book Mrs. Gamin recommended and how my childhood may have affected the way I feel about the way God sees me. My therapist thought that was a good possibility.After we talked for a while, my friend and I walked through TJ Maxx and talked some more. I wish I could have bottled her spirit and encouragement to take back with me. I love her so.It was just so good to sit and talk with them and soak up their goodness. Saying goodbye is always so hard. It hurts so much. I miss them so much already.I'm sad tonight. It was such a good visit, but now it's over. And I'm back to reality.It was nice to be able to go to the art room.... just listening to music and working on my visual journal. It was very calming. But it doesn't change reality.We just heard where our field trip will be tomorrow, and it is a brand new field trip that I suggested. We're going to Loli and the Bean and Home Goods! You have to be happy about the little things around here...
February 11, 2017
My devotion this morning was about rejoicing always, praying without ceasing, and giving thanks in ALL circumstances. It addressed times when we are hurting so badly that we struggle to find much to be thankful for in this world. During those times, I need to focus even harder on the things about God for which I am so thankful.It's amazing how much focusing my attention on Him will change my perspective. The more I focus on being grateful, the more I find how truly blessed I am. Abundantly!So today, I've tried to be very intentional about being grateful for everything around me throughout the day, even in residential treatment. Goodness, it's changed my disposition and outlook.Our day began with a strange conversation. Getting ready for the day in our room, another resident was showing us her Tempurpedic pillow. She talked about how wonderful it was and how it's revolutionized her sleep.The other two residents jumped in and said they have Memory Foam pillows and like those even more than they like Tempurpedic.They all wanted to know my preference.I told them Kevin had mentioned that he wanted a Memory Foam and we would probably get one for him when we bought our new mattress. They all wanted to know why I wouldn't get one, too.Anyone who knows me well knows that I would never pay that kind of money for a pillow. But I didn't want to offend them. I just said that I had always been just fine with a Walmart pillow.They had a fit wondering how on earth I could buy one for Kevin and not myself. They said I shouldn't settle for being just fine if it could be amazing for just a little more. I felt bad for making it such a big deal. It just didn't matter to me - it's crazy to spend that much money on a pillow for myself.So I just kind of brushed them off, assuring them my pillow was just fine and it wasn't a big deal and didn't think anything else about it.Our field trip, as promised, was to Loli and the Bean and Homegoods. It was just wonderful to be able to breathe and be out again like normal people (well, except for the ladies in scrubs who followed us everywhere, but still...) I really like both of those stores. I found an Alex and Ani bracelet for 75% off. Love deals! When we returned to the house, we had lunch, group, and restroom breaks before Equine.When I went into my closet to change my boots for Equine, there was a large box, wrapped in pretty paper, sitting in the middle of the closet floor. A note was attached that read, "Amie - Hope it will help you sleep better," signed DW. I unwrapped and opened the box to find a plush Memory Foam pillow. I was just floored! My eyes filled with tears. Can you even believe how sweet and thoughtful that was?! I came out of the bedroom with my arms full of the paper, walked straight over to her, and hugged her tightly. I couldn't even find words to express how thoughtful that was and how special it made me feel. So I just kept thanking her. She pushed me away so she could see me, looked right into my eyes, and said, "You deserve to have a nice pillow."I can't even...Part of me feels really guilty for even saying anything this morning. Maybe I should've just held my tongue. Did she feel sorry for me? Why did she do such a nice thing? I don't deserve it. Even still, I'm just overwhelmed by her kindness and thoughtfulness towards me today.We are going to the art room again tonight instead of watching a movie. It's so nice when we can do that, because I can be busy but still relax. When we have to watch a movie, I just keep working at the table, which is fine, too. But I feel like this weekend, I do really need to unplug. So I'm grateful for time in the art room.
February 12, 2017
I woke up this morning feeling really heavy and uncomfortable in my skin. EVERYTHING is bigger. Everything. From my cheeks down to my feet and all the things in between. It's horribly frightening.I'm trying so hard to trust that my vision is distorted, but I know what I see. And it is ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE to have to watch my body inflate. I'm disgusted and ashamed of myself. I feel out of control and weak. I'm thick, puffy, heavy, and gross. Ugh....When we got home from church, I worked on some of Mrs. Gamin's homework of writing out traumatic incidents and identifying takeaways. I went straight to the lunch table from my work at the other table.When I got to my chair, I just froze. It was a sandwich (and other things), and the cheese on the sandwich was processed and had been warmed in the oven. So the cheese was literally melted in a pool all over the plate.When I was young, I'd unwrapped a really large amount of processed cheese. My parent didn't want me to waste it, so I had to eat all of it. I gagged and struggled, but got it down. But to this day....yuck. I can't eat it.I think it was a combination of the homework I was working on and seeing and smelling the cheese. And the fear of eating any kind of cheese. I sat down and choked up immediately. My throat already felt like it was gagging.The table is supposed to be calm and peaceful, so I was asked to go in the Pink Room for a minute to collect myself. The therapist came with me, and we talked about it. I was able to calm myself down, somewhat.I went back in to the table, sat down, and somehow managed to get it down.I'm so thankful tomorrow is Monday. I'm ready to get back to full days.