Treatment Truths Take-Two: Week 2
January 30, 2017
I had a really good session with Mrs. Daugette this morning. We talked about body image and feelings related to that.We discussed the fit of my clothing and how I choose to wear things a little loose. I explained that was pretty much the norm for me, even at a heavier weight. Mrs. Daugette feels confident that traumatic events affected and still affect the way I feel about my body. "How could they not?" she said.I can remember as far back as the beginning of adolescence how I much preferred my clothes not to be snug against my changing body. I recall my mom commenting often about my clothes being baggy.Mrs. Daugette asked what was going on around that time that related to my body.That would've been around the time of two traumatic incidents.Could there be a connection?But then I felt guilty and wondered if I'm making much of nothing or stretching things.I admitted those feelings to Mrs. Daugette, and she said it really doesn't matter where the incident would fall on anyone's "scale." If it was hurtful or embarrassing to me, then it matters.I still have that voice in my head chastising me for even acknowledging a potential connection. Mrs. Daugette feels that's the eating disorder fighting for another angle since we're blowing holes in some of its other paths. The eating disorder wants to keep me uncomfortable with my body.As I choose life, the eating disorder is fighting for its life. Because if I choose life, it has to die.Even though I don't recall a conscious decision or thought to wear things loosely, I think subconsciously, I wanted to cover up. And as things continued to happen through high school, gap, and college years, it just reinforced the need to cover.I have NEVER liked my curves. Ever. I've purchased all kinds of things over the years to flatten and smooth out.Occasionally, I'll wear something that fits snuggly, but I'm very self-conscious the entire time I'm in it.Mrs. Daugette said that's something we're going to challenge later on.There is a lot to think about the correlation that may be present with traumatic events and the way I view my body. Especially when it feels so safe for me to be thin even when everyone is telling me I'm not safe.In Ms. Musgrove's group tonight, we were asked to complete a personal mission statement. I'm in such conflict with this right now.I completed the priorities box right away. That was easy. I know my priorities.I filled in the Quotes, Scripture, and Inspiration box with my favorite verses. No problem.But beyond that, I'm stuck. I'm really conflicted about my future.For the first time as an adult, I'm wondering what my purpose is, where God wants me to work.... if I should work....I know deep down that I need and want to work. The Lord has called me to ministry. I would not be fulfilled doing anything else.Financially, our family requires both salaries. So I am going to go back to work.But does God want me to continue in the music ministry?? Or is there something else to which He's trying to draw my attention?Of course right now, I just want to drop everything and be a wife and mommy. I've got to find a way to balance home and work. I want to focus on making our home a safe, healthy, nurturing haven of comfort and rest but still be serving Him through the work of the ministry. Lord, please teach me to balance those.I wonder if God will ever let me return to my passion - early childhood. But that's so many hours, even if it were for the church. Could I do that?And then there's this new passion that seems to be bursting in me to recover from the eating disorder and then counsel, encourage, and walk alongside others who are struggling. A big dream would be to help put together a PHP or IOP for North Florida. How amazing would it be if that could be under the ministry of FBC Jax?? At minimum, I'd love to start a support group for those recovering from an eating disorder. If it were under the ministry of FBC Jax, they would get the knowledge and community support that they need all the while hearing the Gospel. It would give our church an open door to so many homes in Jacksonville that we may otherwise not have had.That means I need to go back to school. Yet another thing to balance. But just thinking about that makes me so excited.I feel a little crazy. I'm 41 years old and feel clueless as to what God is calling me to do. But I sense Him stirring in my soul. I know He's doing something.Ms. Musgrove said many people with an eating disorder have a hard time with this because so many don't know who they are without the eating disorder.I feel like I do know who I am as a wife, mom, and child of God. But beyond that, I'm trying to listen to God and what He would have me to do. In the meantime, I will be still.
January 31, 2017
I was ecstatic when I heard the schedule this morning! Morning groups are with Ms. Freeman and Mrs. Daugette! Afternoon groups are with Ms. Grove and Ms. Connors, and I have an individual with Mrs. Gamin in between.Mrs. Daugette's group was about tolerance of difficult feelings. Ugh. Hard topic. While I can see from a logical place that this would be healthier, I'm not sure how to push myself to do that. I think I automatically push it down and try not to feel it. Because feeling it is so uncomfortable. But even though this was hard to talk about, Mrs. Daugette is always amazing. And I definitely have a lot to work on.Ms. Freeman's group was about how the eating disorder "meets" my needs. We were asked to identify who we needed something from, what we needed, and how we could get those needs met without using the eating disorder.I really struggled with that. Feeling needy seems so wrong for me. It's selfish and greedy.In the end, I was able to think of some things I need from myself, my husband, and my children. I was not able to identify ways to get the needs met, though. Baby steps.My individual session with Mrs. Gamin was really, really good.We talked mostly about the guilt and shame associated with nourishing my body.We also talked about the critical parent voice in my head and how it beats me up for doing the right thing.It doesn't feel like the right thing to me, though. What feels right is to keep things as minimal as possible.I asked her how I could trust it was the right thing and not the wrong thing to nourish my body. She said the first thing that came to mind was the thing we believe to be our absolute Truth - God's Word. He speaks very directly about the way we are to care for our bodies.Ouch. She's right.But how does it still feel that it's true for everyone BUT me. I know somehow I just don't deserve it. I should have to get by on the most minimal amount. I know the Bible is true, but I can't stop these feelings.She likened it to a friend who struggled with stealing who wanted me to start stealing with her.The right thing to do would be to stand my ground, tell her no, and distance myself from her. But she would likely be upset and beat up on me emotionally.The eating disorder is doing the same thing. It beats me up when I try to do what my team tells me is the right thing to do.Somehow we moved into talking about friends and healthy friendships. I explained that through different seasons of life, God has sometimes given me a close friend(s), and other times He's not. I've learned to be OK with either. Some of those close friends have also deeply hurt me, so I am very careful as to who I allow to be "close."I shared with Mrs. Gamin how God had given me such a special friend over the last couple of years. She's absolutely amazing. Incredible. The closest friend I've ever had.Mrs. Gamin asked what made her amazing. Ummmm, every single thing about her. But what's most amazing to me is that she knows about all of me and somehow still loves me anyway. She consistently points me to Jesus and reminds me of His perfect, steadfast love.Oh the guilt that comes with the fact that she loves me anyway! I know she deserves so much better than me with all of my mess. I'm so, so grateful for her friendship and don't know what I'd do without it, but it's so unfair to her. I can't offer her the same strength she offers me. I'm not enough. And that hurts my heart.The tears fell. I love her so! Who knows if I'd even be here right now without her.Mrs. Gamin disagreed and said she believed even with my mess, I was also a very good friend to her. I am enough. I so hope that's true.Ms. Hedrick pulled me aside just before phone time to tell me my meal plan will be increasing, beginning with dinner tonight.When I questioned her about some things, she kept referring to this ambiguous "range" that they establish according to age, height, etc. It scares me to death.And it also makes me feel frustrated. There are a couple of staff members here who walk around thin as a rail while we have to blow up like marshmallows. How is that fair??I have nothing against them. It's just that they tell us all the time that we are not the exceptions to the rules. That something can't be true for the rest of the world and not be true for us. That should apply to them, too. They should have to comply with their own rules and fall into a similar range. Somebody give them a Clifbar. (And Lord please forgive me for my attitude.)Ms. Grove is with us tonight, and she is doing a group on writing a eulogy for our scale. I'm not so sure about this group, but I promised to trust the process... Here's mine.EULOGY: MY SCALEThe Scale gave its final weight on January 31, 2017 at 6:50PM as a result of its power being terminally removed.It is survived by millions of other scales around the world, each of which have caused devastation and destruction in the lives of many.The Scale will most be remembered for its controlling, degrading, debilitating, shameful, self-hating, anxious, worrisome, unworthy, and fearful thoughts it used its power to pierce deeply into the minds and hearts of many who stood on him.These feelings were reinforced and became stronger and more convincing each time a victim returned to him for their number.He is also remembered for being one of the main thieves who stole its victims' identities, healthy body images, and self-worth. Many victims sacrificed their values, friends, and even families in futile efforts to please him.Goodbye, Scale. Your powers will not be missed. No more shall our lives be controlled by the ever-lowering number you assigned to us.
February 1, 2017
Today was a pretty good day. I had a session with Ms. Hedrick this morning but no other individuals.We had yoga at 10:00. For the love. I actually asked if I could just listen at the table while I did homework. She said I could, but then I felt really guilty for my non-participation. In the end, it felt good to get lots of homework done and not to have to fight the giggles as the gong rang over my head or I flapped my wings like a butterfly. Good grief.In my session with Ms. Hedrick, I was overtaken by the frustration of inconsistencies between clients and staff. I decided I had to talk about it with someone, but I didn't think it should be here and now.I got bold this afternoon and asked Ms. Freeman if I could talk with her before she left for the day. She's so wonderful. Of course she made time for me.And I just let it out and shared all of the struggle. She heard me and understood how I could feel that way.She did challenge the thoughts by saying the eating disorder was talking/fighting hard and that my views are distorted.But she also recognized that it is hard. The difference, she says, is that the staff members don't have an eating disorder. She has known them for multiple years. She sees them eat regularly. They have consistently been the same size. And I had to remember that I wasn't seeing things clearly.She continued to validate my feelings. But in the end, I had a choice to make. I could allow the eating disorder to win and let that control me and my recovery. Or I could acknowledge my vision is distorted and let go and trust the process.I know what I have to do, not matter how unfair and difficult it seems.
February 2, 2017
I had a major victory at breakfast this morning. As I sat down to the meal, the usual thoughts emerged. How dare you. You should be ashamed of yourself. You don't need all of that. You can get by without any breakfast at all. And on and on.I sat there with it for the first few minutes. But the verse in Deuteronomy 30 came to my mind, "Oh, that you would choose LIFE." And I repeated it over and over in my head.That reminded me that choosing life right now means letting go and trusting the team and the process. So I ate my meal with confidence. Mostly.Ms. Freeman reminded me in processing, once again, that there is no guilt or shame in me nourishing my body and giving it what it needs. It's God's plan for me, and even though I thought I was doing OK by eating the minimum amount to get by, I clearly wasn't. Because I'm here.So even though those things don't feel right for me right now, I choose to trust the team and the process. They know what's best for me. I do not.So again, I talked back to that inner voice in my head as confidently as I could and said that this is what my team says I need to eat for breakfast according to my current needs. It's not logical for me to feel guilt or shame about that.It helped so much, and I felt so good about it!My early morning was not so great. I'm still feeling awful physically. I got to the front of the bedroom, and everything went black. My arms and legs felt like noodles. The room was spinning even though I couldn't see it. I felt it.I thought I was going down, and it scared me. Thankfully, I didn't.My blood pressure was 82/57 again this morning. I'm sure that's what it was. I'll feel better once my blood pressure regulates.When I got back from labs, they called to say that my glucose was at 57, but I had just eaten a full breakfast. That didn't make any sense. I wonder what the level was before breakfast! No wonder I felt so awful this morning. I'm concerned about what that might mean. Is it associated with diabetes? Please God, no.Ms. Hedrick pulled me aside before lunch to tell me my meal plan was increasing again! I asked why so soon, and she said that she actually expected my questions and checked into it. The increase is not happening any faster than it did the first time and is actually right on target.That seems crazy to me. Maybe last time, they didn't always tell me in the beginning when it was increasing??Regardless, I'm so nervous. She said "normal" for me will likely rest between the current meal plan and the one that begins tomorrow. But I'm eating so much. Ugh.She also confirmed supplements are in the near future. Ahhhhh!!! If only you could recover from an eating disorder and not gain weight.I had my first family session with my husband today. It went well, but it was much harder than I expected.Mrs. Gamin wanted to hear about his feelings and my feelings when I returned home last October. No surprises there.She also wanted to be sure he knew about the self harm thoughts I'd been having and how I believed they deserved better.She wanted to hear from him why he felt like he crashed and burned when I returned home last fall.Mrs. Gamin wanted me to share with him what was in my head when I had to eat. He was very surprised. It didn't make sense to him at all.She explained to my husband how she believes my guilt and shame are connected to the "abuse" she believes I experienced in earlier years.My husband agreed and even gave some examples.I have so much guilt associated with her even saying that. What did I say wrong to make her think that? I've always hated the way it seems that all therapy roads lead to what happened in your childhood. And now that was happening to me.Mrs. Gamin believes my guilt associated with the word "abuse" is the critical parent voice bashing me.All in all, it was an emotional session but good, none the less.We had hotdogs for lunch!!!! 'Nough said. Holy moly. I'm so thankful for the accountability this afternoon.We also got a new admission today. She's originally from Poland but recently is from Nashville. It can be so triggering when someone new comes who is very thin. I know that's awful, but it's the truth. It makes it so difficult.Nurse Sally just pulled me aside to tell me she called Dr. Brogdon about my glucose level. Dr. Brogdon said that the low glucose was a result of extreme malnutrition, and it will improve with time. She's coming in on Monday to talk with me about it.I'm SO RELIEVED it's not diabetes. Thank You, Lord!I FaceTimed the family tonight. It's always so good to see their beautiful faces. Oh how I miss them!!!!
February 3, 2017
I had a really hard session with Mrs. Daugette. We talked about me being upset and feeling guilty about saying things that led Mrs. Gamin to think I was emotionally abused.Mrs. Daugette differed by saying Mrs. Gamin made that determination based on the evidence at hand.But I was also worried that I had explained it inaccurately or was blowing it up in such a way that made her think it was more than it really was.Mrs. Daugette asked me to tell her about some of the things I shared with Mrs. Gamin. I shared some things, and Mrs. Daugette cried. She is so sweet and very empathetic.I couldn't figure out why I can't acknowledge those things as abusive other than the fear of what if it's not, what if I'm blowing it out of proportion, or telling it incorrectly, what if I deserved it... I also feel like it minimizes the pain of others who've gone through much worse experiences.She shared two Bible verses which I'd never read in this way. Although they're not referencing this exact scenario, I think it still applies.
Romans 14:13-14 - Perception is reality for the individual. Respect it.
Galatians 6:3-5 - The reverse of these verses would also be true. If I think I'm less than I am, then I deceive myself. I am nothing WITHOUT Christ, but since He gave His life for me, made me in His image, and I have given my life to Him, then I am loved and treasured and worthy because of Him.
She gave me a shame worksheet to do for homework.I had an individual session with Ms. Freeman at 2:00 today. Bless her dear heart. She talked to me until almost 3:30. I love and appreciate her so much.She asked what I wanted to talk about. I don't usually do well with that question, but I'd been having dreams about something that happened to me. I thought I'd better tell someone.(*Please note that this is a journal entry portraying the way I felt and what I believed to be true at the time I shared it with Ms. Freeman. My feelings, however, were not true. Please be sure to read through the end to see what I've learned since this time.)I cautiously began to share.I'd been dreaming about what happened when I was 17 and in a relationship with a 27 year old man. I'd never told anyone this part of my story. It carries so much guilt and shame, because every bit of it was my fault.I feel like what happened casts a shadow over everything else that happened of that nature to me. It's a huge part of what makes me feel so dirty and somehow bad. I worry if this is the part of me that everyone saw which showed I deserved every bad thing that happened.I was in tears by this point, but I took a deep breath and was able to share the rest of the story with Ms. Freeman, slowly, in pieces.My parents didn't know I had already been hurt once by this man, but they must have seen that it was an inappropriate relationship. They forbid me to see him anymore.About a week or so after he hurt me the first time, he called me at work and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I actually said yes. For real - Amie the rule follower said yes. I still, for who knows what reason, needed him to like me. Disgusting, I know.He said he'd call me when he was closer to his break to tell me where to meet him.When he called before lunch, he said he was going to his "buddy's" apartment. He suggested I meet them there for lunch.I was a little taken aback; maybe I just assumed he meant a restaurant at first. But if his buddy was there, it would be the same concept I guessed.Even though I had some reservations, I went anyway. I don't really know why I didn't listen to that uneasiness. Maybe it was just some deep need to know someone liked me?When I arrived, I found his directions had led me to a run down apartment. I walked into a very dimly lit and dirty place. And there was no "Buddy" in sight. I knew in an instant I was in trouble.As the door closed, the trouble began right away. And I was unable to stop it.No wonder I'd been hurt so many times. Everyone could sense exactly what I was. Disgusting trash. There was something innately bad about me. I deserved all the wrong that had happened to me. There was no abuse about it. It all happened because of who I was. And I was so ashamed. If only I wouldn't have gone over there.When I got home that night, my parents asked me where I'd gone to lunch that day. I lied. Again - Amie, the rule follower, lied. I made up a story of going to a drive through and heading back to the office.Something wasn't right. The only time our family ever had anything beyond a surface conversation was when we were in trouble. I was quickly putting the pieces together.My step-father asked if I was sure, and I just looked at him. He said something like, "Because your mother decided to follow you today, and you did not go to a drive through."I felt a dark cloud of shame move over me.He said that they weren't born yesterday, and they knew what I was doing in there had nothing to do with lunch.And the looks on their faces.... They were looking at me with disappointment, shame, and everything I was already feeling. I knew I deserved it. Somehow they knew it, too, without even asking what happened.I cried hard, so ashamed of myself for being so disgusting and for disappointing them. Something about them knowing what I had done and not being surprised by it made me feel even worse. And it was the first time I'd cried since being at the apartment. It was all hitting really hard.My punishment? I was grounded for a month. They also took the keys to my car I'd recently bought, my driver's license, my checkbook, my bank card, and all my cash.They said they really wanted to take my makeup, hairdryer, and curling iron but knew I needed to look professional for work. So they weren't going to do that. It seemed they wanted to take those so that my outside would be as ugly as my inside.I didn't argue. I just cried. I knew I deserved whatever punishment they put on me.Ms. Freeman listened and cried with me. She said the only thing I did wrong that day was to disobey my parents. But she didn't believe for a second that it meant I deserved any of that. She said he was a predator. He saw a sweet, innocent girl, and probably saw some vulnerability. He took advantage of that vulnerability. He raped me. Aside from everything else, the relationship itself was also illegal. And she believed it was most definitely abuse.It would make life so much easier if that were true. But it's not. I was the one who went to that apartment. And I'm already disgusted enough with myself without hiding behind that.(*Since writing this in my journal, I've come to understand that what Ms. Freeman said was absolutely true. This man raped me. Twice. And it was not my fault. Nor did it mean that I was disgusting trash or that there was something innately bad about me. It meant I was sexually assaulted, and he was the one who deserved punishment. Not me. Some days that shame creeps back in. But I have to remember Truth. As my therapist reminded me even today, the shame and guilt belong to the man who raped me. The shame is not mine. He did hurt me deeply, and it was damaging. But I can lay my brokenness at the foot of the cross.)Tonight, I'm feeling awful. So confused. Our evening group session was about asking for help. I stink at that.But I'm going to do it tonight.I wrote a letter to my home therapist explaining all that happened today. I told him all three therapists have said that letting go/acknowledging/processing/putting to rest a lot of the things that happened to me are going to be extremely important in the healing process. I want so badly to trust the process. I really do. But I feel like every sensor in me is SCREAMING at me to not do what I feel I do with so much - overreacting, blowing things up, etc. It seems so wrong to trust them when I feel in my heart of hearts it wasn't abusive. It was me.I explained my heart is so heavy tonight. I'd shared with a therapist something that happened to me that I haven't even shared with him. I'm weepy. I'm sad. And I'm afraid. I want so badly to be well, and I haven't always felt that way. But how can I keep trusting them?? They keep talking about abuse. I knew I could trust him. He'd never judged me, even after all of the awful things I've shared. He'd never lied to me. He always spoke the truth in love. He is so wise and is an incredible counselor. I'm so, so thankful for him.His response was one of the most helpful things I've ever received. Here are some of the pieces to his reply.Truth is hardest to discover when it’s hidden in plain sight.We grow accustomed to our surroundings, our way of life, how we think, and how we interact with the world. These things become second nature to us long before we ever have the developmental capacity to be aware that these forces are shaping us. It’s only when our milieu comes into contact with the milieu of others that we can adjust and adapt in order to be more congruous with societal norms. This development is present in most cases where a child has a functional, balanced, and healthy upbringing. But this is not you, Amie. The more we learn about the atrocities that you suffered, the more we marvel at the fight within you to survive. Yet, we marvel even more at the tragedy that is plain to us but is hidden to you. It’s not your fault you haven’t been able to see it. Even though we have tried to point it out to you, you still cannot see. We know you have tried so hard to see it, but to no avail. It’s been impossible for you to see because we are able to see your story in the light wavelength of normal experiences. But your experience was so far from normal that it is impossible for you to see what we see, because you see things through the infrared wavelength of pain and dysfunction. And that is where the truth is hiding. This truth has been there all along, and you were blinded to it long before you were even able to see. The guilt and shame and disgust and self-loathing and pain and suffering and all of the abuse have become so ingrained in your perception of the world that they are the lenses through which you see everything and everyone. They are the filter through which you interpret all feelings and thoughts. They are the scales on your eyes that keep the key of your Pandora’s Box hidden in plain sight. SO YES! Trust Mrs Daugette and Mrs. Gamin. Trust the seasoned professionals who have seen much pain in others, yet who were brought to tears by the reality of your tragic childhood and adolescence. This is where you begin to question yourself and your ability to accurately communicate your experience to others. My wife and I know you well. You hate exaggeration and embellishment in others. You are even good at describing body language and gestures when you describe your encounters with others. We have not known you to ever be anything less than accurate when you are trying to communicate what is truly on your heart. I have no doubt that the reaction that you witnessed from those ladies was a result of the truth that they easily saw in your experience. Yes, some have placed too much emphasis on tying present struggles to the experience of childhood. But Amie, we aren’t talking about minor absentee parenting or broken home issues here. This is where your story is so vastly different from even normal dysfunction that it deserves the watchful scrutiny of professionals to help you make sense of it all. Learn to trust those who have the life experience and expertise to see truth in the wavelength of reality. In time you can learn to see how your life experience is skewing your perception of reality.The fact that you haven’t been able to tell me about this last incident is further proof that you are held captive by this misperception that somehow it’s your fault that it happened to you and the reason for your subsequent and previous abuse.In Greek mythology, Zeus gave Pandora a treacherous gift, a box filled with the ills, pains, evils, and strife of man. Even though Prometheus warned Pandora not to accept any gift from Zeus, she did anyway, and proceeded to open the gift box and unleash its awful contents onto mankind. I know it probably feels like all you have done is opened your Pandora’s Box and unleashed all of its awfulness on your family and friends. As the myth goes, in the end, Pandora managed to release all of the troubles onto man except one spirit. That spirit was hope. Greek mythology only gives us a cute myth about the last remaining gift of hope. Your reality is that Christ, the true Giver of hope, is standing before you, in the place that He has always been, waiting for you to let Him remove those scales from your eyes. Let the good people at residential treatment be the instruments that make that happen.Goodness, I'm thankful for him.
February 5, 2019
It was a great feeling in opening the past few days when several ladies (Christians and unbelievers) gave their daily affirmation as "I choose life."When they've said it, they looked over at me and smiled.The power of the Word of God...even upon unbelievers...I'm so thankful I stepped out of my comfort zone last Monday and shared the way God spoke to me through the verses in Deuteronomy 30.Word of God speak. Let it pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see...I had a great visit with my family yesterday!!! The feelings I had when I saw them through the family room.... I can't even describe them. But they were so strong, it made my heart ache with joy and pain. Goodness, I love them so much!!!And I knew I had missed them. Something about seeing them made the heartache even deeper, but in a good way somehow.I just wanted to pull all five of them close and hold them tightly. So I did as much as I could. But it wasn't enough.It felt SO GOOD to be with them. I felt loved, missed, and valued. I still feel so undeserving, but I allowed it to feel good.The time flew by so quickly. All too soon, it was time for the dreaded goodbyes and separation. They never get easier. They actually seem to get harder with each one.Oh how I love them!! I miss them so much already.I'm struggling a bit more with body image today. I feel heavy and puffy. My clothes are fitting more tightly.I'm so thankful to be through the weekend and have full days again.The control freak in me is already anxious over the schedule not working out correctly. But I will trust the Lord to know what's best for me.Please God, help me trust the team and the process.